I once knew a staggeringly handsome man who wore high cheekbones and a goatee. An extraordinary extrovert, this man had a jovial laugh and a jubilant energy; a kind of energy that spread like fire and radiated to all who encircled him. He loved his kids and basketball and Chex Mix and and REO Speedwagon and slapstick humor like Billy Madison. He made everyone around him feel like the most important person in the world. He owned a lovely four bedroom home in an upscale suburb outside of Louisville, Kentucky where his perfect wife and his precious three children lived, along with their two Labrador Retrievers. He had a fantastic career in the home development industry and enjoyed vacationing in Destin, Florida each year. This man died of a heroin overdose on September 4th, 2013 at the young age of 53. This man was my father. That's right, Julian Leon Westbrook, Jr., husband, son, father, brother, family man, heroin addict.
I share this with you, not because I am in search of pity, on the contrary, it's because I yearn for the moment when those that suffer from, and have fallen victim to the horrific disease that is addiction will one day be given the memorial that their souls truly deserve.
Many of us, and particularly those that are lucky enough to have never been touched by this disease, are unaware that addicts are powerless against their addiction. Until recently, this has been a difficult concept for me to grasp, as I saw my father shift from a hilarious, confident, and powerful man to an individual quickly dwindling away, as if a cancerous python was slowly constricting around his neck. None of us are every in competition with that python. For addicts, there is never a choice to be made.
For years I wondered if I could have been a better daughter somehow, if I could have changed him in some way. I practiced tough love and sent him books and information on recovery. What I didn't realize was that I am apart of the vast majority of humans that can have an alcoholic beverage or two and not feel the NEED to continue feeding that beast. I've never ingested a substance and yearned for something more powerful to fill the darkness within me. My father woke up every morning, physically ill, his body surging with pain until he would succumb to the desire to resort to numbness. True, unabashed addiction is a level of suffering I cannot fathom.
This morning I saw an image come across social media. The image depicted a spoon with heroin and a lighter underneath "cooking" the substance (to be injected). The meme read, "CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN." Now, I am the first to stand up and say that allowing an idiotic and insensitive image on Facebook to affect me is absurd. I'll admit that it's something I could have truly ignored. However, such an image begs to ask, are the families of the people that have died from drugs and alcohol not entitled to a candlelight vigil? Is this such a shameful way to leave this earth that we, as their families, aren't allowed proper grieving? Can I mourn without having to feel as though someone is going to poke fun at my father's passing?
My father died on September 4th, 2013, in his tiny studio apartment in downtown Louisville, with a belt around his arm, and needles and snowy powder scattered about his coffee table. Many of his belongings had been stolen, and it was apparent that there were other drug users present at the time of his death, who did nothing to alert the police or authorities when my father was dying or unconscious. I was the first of my family to be alerted, as my information was in my father's wallet, and the Jefferson County Coroner called me herself the morning ofSeptember 5th. At 25-years-old, I was given the weight of telling the rest of my family of my father's passing. Yes, this is a very jagged pill that I must swallow every morning. It has taken me many months to overcome the embarrassment I have felt and to describe the details of my father's death and now, to share it with many, is allowing me to truly embrace the fact that as his daughter, I still love him and am still proud of the man he once was (and the man that will forever be emblazoned in my memory as my dad).
When my very brave and amazing 21-year-old brother went to help clean out my father's apartment a few days after he died, he told me something that would stay with me forever. On my Dad's fridge were pictures of us (my brothers and I), my mom (who he'd been divorced from for several years), and many of our achievements. There were newspaper article cutouts of events I had planned for my animal welfare organization, some local community groups where I was featured, a poem I wrote that had been published when I was younger. Even through his struggle and haze, and when I had nothing nice to say to him whatsoever, my dad still went out of his way each time we spoke to tell me that he was proud of me. He bragged, to the point of my own embarrassment, and never faltered when it came to expressing his love.
He once told me that the only thing he ever did right in this world was having a part in creating my brothers and me, and he clung to that until the day that he left this earth. My only hope is that, in his final moments in this life, he knew that did more than just create us. In my 25 years with him, I have been supplied with a lifetime of hilarity, the drive and desire to reach out to others, memories of my father making an absolute fool of himself simply to bring joy to those surrounding him. I see him in both of my brothers and I see him in myself. Not a "junkie," a "waste" or someone "deserving of death" because, you know, "what do you expect when you do heroin?" Yes, these are all things I've read about Phillip Seymour Hoffman's tragic heroin overdose.
I see him as a husband, son, father, brother, family man. Compassion over judgement is how I would like everyone to see him. Because each person that has fallen victim to addiction was once someone to somebody.
414 Comments
Renee Reynolds
2/4/2014 06:23:33 am
Thanks for sharing this Kelsey. I will be praying for you and the rest of your family. Stay strong and continue to hold your head high.
Vicki Warren
2/4/2014 02:17:15 pm
This is beautiful. My daughter has two years sober.......she is a recovering heroin addict. It is a long, hard road. I have experienced all of that with my teenage daughter, who is now your age. Prayers.
Jennifer
2/5/2014 11:01:25 am
Congrats Vicki, on your daughter's sobriety. So good to hear!!
Aubrey
2/6/2014 01:27:21 pm
I just want to say that this is so helpful for me. I've never been an addict but I grew up with both of my parents being a meth and an opiate addict..as well as later my boyfriend an opiate addict. It's been real tough road for me growing up. I always would be angry and wonder why me. But I never realised that it was so much of a diesease it was until my boyfriend of 4 years went to rehab because he wanted a better life out there for not only him but me. He has been clean for over 2 years now. Its not been easy but he has had all my love and support. I thank him and god everyday for what they have done for me and how better my life is. I pray everyday that God helps my mom and my dads addictions. I continue to love them unconditionally everyday. I hope that one day Ill be able to see my parents cured of thesr terrible disease.
Kelly
2/8/2014 01:34:53 am
The tears are streaming down my face. My fiance', my best friend "Tommy" has struggled with addiction for at least 10 of the 12 years we've been together. It all started with a pain killer given to him in the MILITARY when he was 21. He's now 38, and every morning he drives to the methadone clinic for a liquid shot of opiate blocker. He pays $500 a month out of pocket to try and quiet the demons.
Darlene J
2/8/2014 04:45:30 am
Best of luck to your daughter and congrats! My son is over a year clean of heroin and I wasn't so fortunate for my daughter. We lost her 2 days prior to graduation this year. Continue to be their for her. I would do anything just to hold her in my arms again.
Darlene J
2/8/2014 04:51:13 am
I'm sorry, I should have been more specific. I was commenting on Vicki's post. Also Kelsey, you are an amazing person to come forward with your story! More people need to understand that this is a disease instead of jumping to be so judgemental towards others.
Vicki,
Vicki,
Vicki,
Vicki,
Ben Haldeman
2/5/2014 07:20:38 am
thank you so much for this. . Being an addict it gives me hope that not everyone is blind to this disease. Im sorry for your loss. Remember the good times. This piece made me tear up. thank you for your post.
Sandy Kawa
2/6/2014 10:45:26 pm
Good luck Ben....
Debra Ortutay
2/7/2014 06:11:57 am
Ben, I have been clean and sober coming up on 12 years in March. It is possible, and the 2nd life we receive when we kick the habit, is so wonderful. Try it my friend, and hang in there because miracles do happen. I am a miracle of my higher power, one day at a time.
joe
2/8/2014 05:08:16 am
yes addiction is a disease. i get that. What i don't get is everyone saying they dont have a choice. You control only your self. You choose to put a needle in that arm. Does someone(a human not a thought or desire) have a gun to your head?
John B
2/8/2014 01:08:56 pm
Joe, it's not always a choice to become physically dependant upon opioids, some people (myself included) get addicted through being prescribed pain medication for a legitimate injury or surgery. Some start off with hydrocodone, then Percocet, then oxycontin, dilaudid, morphine, and before you know it, you're cut off by the doc or it's too expensive and you end up with heroin. The whole process doesn't take long either. Opiates mimic the effects of endorphins, which is a natural pain killer made by your brain. Your brain quickly stops creating it's own endorphins because you've been supplying it with more than enough. When you try to stop, your receptor sites in your brain are no longer being occupied by the drug, and since there is no endorphins being made there is now a chemical imbalance and that's why you start feeling like you have the worst flu of your life, multiplied by 100, and it can stick around for as little as 5 days up to several months, depending on the opioid you've been taking. That's a lot of punishment to endure, and most people never get through it and they relapse. Thus the reason why addiction is so baffling, cunning, and powerful. Sure, no one holds a gun to your head. Sure, some people try drugs on their own free will and get addicted, but that is still a tragedy because if they were truly fully educated on what opiate addiction and withdrawal is really like, I'm sure they'd reconsider. The diarrhea, vomiting, hot flashes, cold sweats, clammy skin, nausea, depression, restlessness, insomnia, ALL at once. If they truly knew what was in store for them, they'd definitely reconsider. I'm mournful of anyone who has experienced the hell of heroin addiction, whether first or second hand. It's a tragedy because once you've become addicted, you will fight that battle til the day you die, if it doesn't take you first. I have come to the realization after 11 failed inpatient rehab stays, 20+ outpatient programs, thousands of AA/NA meetings, a year long drug court program, and numerous trips to the county jail, that I will never be able to live a life without some type of opioid. I will be taking Suboxone probably for the rest of my life. My brain hasn't created any of its own endorphins for nearly 7 years, and even after going cold turkey for 6 months, my brain just can't seem to re-regulate itself. The Suboxone contains a drug called buprenorphine, which attaches to your opioid receptors and only stimulates the receptor site just enough to make you feel normal, and it binds to the receptor tighter than any other euphoric opioid. This causes it to block drugs like heroin, morphine, or oxycodone, so no matter how much you take, you can't get high. This is a much better choice for me than methadone, because I just go see a doctor once a month to get my script instead of going every day for a methadone dose. Plus, it makes me feel completely NORMAL. It doesn't get me high at all. I haven't felt this normal since before I became an addict. It was a lifesaver for me. When I was using heroin, I was homeless, broke, had no car, had to steal to support my habit, had no job, and was kicked out of all three homeless shelters in my town. When I got on the Suboxone, I was able to get a job, then I got an apartment, and I finally got my drivers license back and bought a car. I never imagined I would be this happy ever again. Before I was an addict, I was married, had 2 kids, a house on 10 acres, a dog, and a nice job. It took about 2 years of being a junkie to lose it all. I never imagined my life would ever turn back around and am grateful for every day sober. My point here is that it's not always a black and white choice. Even if someone chose to be a junkie, I guarantee you they regret it and they still deserve love and compassion. They are still human, and should be treated as such. I have been on the receiving end of ER doctors treating me like I'm less than a person, just because I have a disease of addiction, and it makes me wonder, what if I was their sibling, close relative, or friend? Would they treat me with the same utter lack of compassion? If you know someone who needs help, don't try to force it on them or give them an ultimatum. Ask them if this is what they really want from life. Ask them to go to the turntohelp.com website and look for Suboxone doctors with them. Show them that you care about them and love them and ask them what it would take to get them to either go to rehab or get on Suboxone. Go with them to the Dept of Social and Health Services building or website and apply for assistance for treatment. If it's your spouse, don't give up on them. Remember, it was for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. My wife divorced me, and I feel like she couldn't talk to me about my problem and gave up on me. If she would've been more understanding and helpful instead of suspicious and chastising, I'm sure we'd still be together. She spent too much energy trying to stop me from getting Ben, I have also been fighting addiction for most of my life. I probably was addicted at age 14 if I am honest with myself. I didn't do Heroin until I was 36 years old. At first it was pot, than thc, then any. Drug I could get my hands on. Both of my parents were alcoholics and I grew up in a shitty environment. I was sexually abused as a child and I could not get over that. I spent years in counseling to no avail. I am now on methadone and have been for over a year now. I am 51. Now what do I do? How do I get off of methadone.? Or do I stay on it until the day I die? I don't have the answers and I swear there are not a lot of people that do. All I can do is believe that God will help through this. No human power has helped me before, so why would I think now it will be different. I have to rely on Gods power to help me.
LUCY
2/12/2014 11:48:38 am
Kelly, all of what u said is true...I too have lived thru all of the above with my 29 yr old......he died last year....he tried all of the above too...but I never never gave up on him...because he was a good person...caring and loving son....his addiction took over,,,i reminded him of the good memories we all shared ......he wanted to die than keep on living the life of an addict......I love and loved my son with all my heart......and will never forget that he was my son before he was an addict.....thank you Kelly 2/5/2014 08:37:31 am
Very hard to have words to say,just know love is stronger than any addiction,We will never stop loving,those who we are close to,no matter what ,,
Stephany
2/5/2014 11:18:20 am
You brought tears to my eyes. My son who is now 21, has been struggling with addiction since he was 15. He is so young, yet has already struggled for 6 years. I love him so much and I don't "see" an addict. I see my son. My first born. My love. My heart. Please pray for him. I just don't have enough memories to write a Memorial as eloquent as the one above...I need more time! Stephany, I will pray for you and your son. My youngest brother is 23 we can relate to your story. It's so hard to see a child become a heroin addict. It doesn't mean he had a horrible life. It means he tried it, he liked it, he's addicted to it. My brother is on his second road to recovery. He's doing excellent. He moved to Fla and is working on a dolphin watch boat. I can't say if he'll make it. I can only say that he is coming up on 1 yr. sober and he takes it one day at a time. Here's the thing. a lot of ppl say not to run from your problems but in his case he ran like hell. He went to stay with family in Fla. to meet new friends. It's hard to do that when you know you can call Tom, Dick, or Harry and they're right there. So I say run from your addiction. Run from your old friends. Run to sobriety.
Maureen Carey
2/6/2014 08:07:00 am
My son who is 25 is sober tomorrow for 3 years! I am so Blessed!
Debi
2/6/2014 10:17:35 am
Thank you for this. My son is 22 years old and has been struggling with addiction since the age of 16. I don't pretend to understand it. I pray everyday that he realizes he needs help and seeks it out. I want nothing less than a happy, healthy and productive life for him but until he wants it for himself, there is nothing more I can do and as a parent, that is the hardest pill to swallow.
tina
2/6/2014 12:42:48 pm
Stephany... My heart goes out to you as I know exactly wat you are going thru... I also have a 21 yr old son whos been fighting this battle since 15...so many people have turned their backs on him, but I will never; he is and will always be my baby& I just pray that some day soon that he will overcome this before its too late...Addiction in itself is a demon, but a heroin addiction is the devil himself & knowing what it does just kills me as I watch my boy...God bless you all, everyone who is fighting this disease whether it be yourself or with someone you love...
ktal
2/6/2014 07:05:45 pm
this is why i relinquish my control to condoms. but yeah... fuck, forgice, feel a little, pain is a great thing to choose as ur whatever in this lifetime. and when u feel no one else understands or inspires shit is just that. its not bad. its find.fine.free.fun.fuckit.forreal
patti
2/7/2014 12:31:51 am
Never give up. I always told my son that I believed he was was worth fighting for even if he didn't believe it himself. Pray pray pray.
mary
2/7/2014 10:28:50 am
My son is 21 and recovering. It has been a hard road. What is also hard is that his 18 year old brother has such hate for him. I wonder if the resentment is somewhat toward me because I put so much of my time into saving him
Kathy
2/7/2014 11:45:54 pm
My grandson also battling herion is such a good soul ..my heart aches for him and his friends...so many addicted ...lets pray for all those addicted together in unison. ..God bless all the hurting hearts and give them healing Stephany, Please take my advice and see your son as an addict. I could have helped my son. I could have had him put in jail when he would steal our money to buy crack. It may have helped ...maybe not. But, not knowing kills me. My son was 28 and was only addicted to crack for about 6 months before he realized what he was dong to himself and went to rehab. He was clean for 90 days. I still carry his 90 days clean coin from NA with me everywhere. then he met a girl who had some crack and convinced him that he would be fine. He was. The crack did not kill him. But, the disappointment in himself the next day is what he could not handle. I guess he had figured he had let everyone down by relapsing. I woke the next morning and walked out in my yard. I saw an ambulance and police cars in the alley behind my house. Beside the alley was a large field. As I looked out into the field I saw my sons body hanging from a tree. All I could do was run away screaming. I knew without a doubt that it was my son. He was so distraught that he had committed suicide. It is an image that will never leave my mind. He died on my Birthday in 2008.
Caitlin
2/8/2014 03:49:11 am
I lost my older brother to addiction when he was 18 years old. I was 17. He was the first born, and he always felt the pain of disappointment because if his addiction. I am an addict myself, clean because of him. The sadness I saw in his eyes when he learned I was going down the same path shook me to sobriety. I only wish he could look past the haze into my sadness. I am 22 now and I can tell you that you're his biggest support. Never ever give up, and as a mother, how could you? I will pray for your son, and you. We are stronger than our drug f choice. Love is stronger than our drug of choice. <3
clare
2/8/2014 04:12:38 am
Debbi ! My parents also thought there was nothing they could do and didn't try.......i am now 37 and have been struggling with the hell of heroin addiction since i was 16. Sometimes winning, sometimes slipping away again. Just lately i have been looking back to my teens and early twenties and wishing so very much my mother had tried to learn and understand about my addiction, tried to understand me more and not stopped until she had helped me find a solution- she did not exhaust every possibility but took your view of helplessness. Please please try to find a way to help your son- i know he wants help but is just so very frightened if the pain involved- there will be a way -it is a long hard road and you can't do it alone- you must keep trying if you love your son......
Connie Anstaett
2/8/2014 11:01:02 pm
Stephany, Unfortunately, you can only do so much as a parent before you become their "enabler." I agree with all the comments for you to be there for your son - but there ARE limits. At one point or another, your son has to take responsibility for where he is - once a person is an addict, then yes, it is a disease, but it was their choice to pick it up and try it to begin with - I have been a recovering heroin addict for over 6 and a half years and this is what I have learned in my over 4 times in different rehabs. You can be there for him to listen, to give advice, etc., but you cannot allow him to live with you, take money from you without consequence, etc.I remember one time I needed $5 for gas, to get some heroin of course and I asked my Mom for the gas money. She said "no" (of course I didn't tell her I was going to use it to get the drugs, but of course she knew)...she then said, "I am not going to give you the gas that gets you to the possible last shot of heroin that puts you in the ground." My Mom had started going to ALANON, a support group for friends and family members of addicts and alcoholics. This group teaches and supports you how and in what ways are acceptable to be there for your addicted loved ones, without enabling them or helping their disease progress even farther and faster.I just wanted you to know there are ways to be there for your son, without losing yourself in his addiction. So, like I said, yes - talk to him when he calls, always be there to listen and offer help in the form of finding medication or rehabs to help him, but please KNOW giving him money or a place to stay DOES NOT help him. No matter how much he begs or cries or yells and says he hates you - that is the disease talking, not him. I wish you luck and hope you really look into the ALANON group I told you about. My Mother still goes to weekly meetings and like I said, I have been clean for over 6 and a half years. She says it helps her in all areas of her life now. God be with you and your son and all the addicts that I hope find the recovery I have found...because it's so much better on the other side.
Kim
2/15/2014 11:35:38 am
Stephany, my prayers are with you and your son!! I know exactly what you are going through!! My son suffered from addiction starting at age 16. He died from heroin 15 months ago!! I never once saw him as anything but who he was and still is!!! He was loving, kind, funny and so much more!! He suffered from addiction, but through it all, he never stopped loving his family, friends or God!! Kelsey, I am so proud of you!!! As your Dad is right now!!! Stay strong and keep informing those who do not know any better!! The world needs more of you!!! My heart and prayers with you all!!!
Maureen
2/6/2014 02:09:00 am
As a recovering alcoholic, drink free for 10 yrs. I am very grateful to know that you have the courage and such beautiful insight on our disease and are willing to share that to others who truly don't see this as a disease. I have three children who by the grace of God stuck by me and loved me until I was able to begin the process of loving myself again. I hated the person I had become as a result of my alcoholism. It stole everything it possibly could from me that was good and right. Your Fathers love is his legacy for you and not the few or many years the disease stole from you ALL. God Bless you Kelsey and the many people who are affected by addiction and their families who suffer deeply as a result.
bob
2/7/2014 07:12:51 am
Thank you for sharing your fathers story
Anna Marie N
2/8/2014 11:02:58 pm
I am in tears as I read this heartfelt message of your father. I also lost someone near and dear to me, which was my brother. He left behind a wife, two beautiful kids and a loving father, he was only 49. I am torn over the death of my brother from a powerful addiction which renders a person powerless. My life now is driven by living life with more love and passion then ever before. I will always remember the good my brother brought to the world, and refuse to glorify the addiction which took hold of his life. If ever you want to communicate or need someone who can relate to this, please don't hesitate to reach out:)
krista lynn
2/10/2014 08:04:29 am
I am nine days into withdraw from oxycodone and Im feeling very weak, tired and depressed. When will this turn around? Im feeling discouraged
Therese
2/10/2014 09:49:09 pm
Do not feel discouraged, you are not alone. The first few days even weeks are the hardest after you get over the with drawls you will feel life again. It's hard to do it on your own I would find a support group in your area. Good luck to you. Just remember you deserve a sober life
annie
2/14/2014 07:55:34 pm
you are wrong....it is truly mind over matter...and to anyone that can not suck it up...make new choices...should be in a hospital
julz
2/15/2014 10:26:55 pm
wish it was you!!
KH
2/16/2014 10:01:52 pm
Then what's your excuse, for your seeming inability to stop seeking out opportunities to be cruel to strangers on the internet?
Tami H
3/10/2014 06:03:00 am
How dare you come on here and bash people you know nothing about. If you knew anything about addiction then you would not be so cruel and you would show some empathy. God help you and I pray you become more educated before you open you're mouth again on this matter.
Sara
2/12/2016 04:42:05 pm
Annie, you probably do not want them, but my prayers are with you! I hope the disease never touches you or any of your loved ones! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please do not speak on things that you know nothing about. The article was written for people with the insensitivity that you possess. Why don't you you take a moment reread the article and thank your God (of your understanding) for the perfect life that you obviously have and thank him for the glass house in which you live! Have a great evening and God bless!
Lee
2/12/2016 05:52:44 pm
Annie, how can you be so apathetic and cold hearted? Did you not get the point of this article? I am a recovering heroin addict myself. Addiction is a disease, don't believe me, ask the American medical association. This article Showed that although society, his family and every other loved one he had in his life looked down on him and gave up on him that he was always proud of them and loved them still. He had a disease that's a disease of the body mind and spirit. These three things are thing things that are outta whack which is addiction. Drugs, alcohol, they are nothing more than symbols of the the disease and in this case heroin was his coping mechanism for life. So I will pray for you like my friend Sara said that she was going to also do for you tonight. I hope that you God moves you to educate yourself about this disease before you ever speak about it being a decision cause he had no decision in this matter, that was gone a long time ago. Please join in to help the ppl who are stuck in this disease as well as the loved ones that are affected by this disease. Or either the next time that someone that has diabetes dies have the guts to tell them they got their disease from a bad choice they made. Addiction is a genetic disease! Point blank! Educate yourself before opening your mouth and making yourself look bad!
Carol Tranauskas
2/16/2014 11:13:23 am
Kelsey my heart goes out to you. My sister was an addict for 22 years, she left us broken at 40. She left behind an 8 year old daughter and a sister , brother, Mother and Father who loved her and tried to get her help all the time, she was in and out of rehabs, jail, rehabs then she had her beautiful daughter. I thought then it would be the end of the addiction, she loved her daughter so much. But the addiction won in the end. I feel for you with everything I am, I know that lose, not of a mother but of an only sister who was 8 years younger than I and was like my baby. Every day I wish there was something I could have done. But I know no one could have helped her but herself. I hope you find peace in your life as I try to make every day a special one for my niece. She lives with her grandparents right now, and is lucky enough to still have her Dad with his trials and tribulations. I have lost a lot of people in my life but the loss of my sister will remain the worse for me. As I know the loss of your daddy will be the same. Addiction is a disease whether we want to believe it or not, so lets help these people instead of condemning them.
Dyshel
3/25/2014 10:18:14 am
Kelsey can I put this letter in my local newspaper?
sickened
2/10/2015 08:51:18 am
this is a worthless article, addiction is something one chooses to do, noone made you stick yourself with a needle.
Diane
6/4/2015 02:20:14 am
Well sickened what a perfect name for you. Truly you are sick. Everybody has a vise in their life even you. So you are no better than anybody else. For starters you calling urself sickened tells me you have no self esteem for urself and put urself down. That must be ur vise in life. Im sure there are self help groups for people who hate their selves like you must. So why dont you seek one out and fix ur own problems before you bash somebody else for their problems? Im quite sure no one makes you put urself down just as you said no one makes an addict stick a needle in them. Get help dear and get off others by trying to run them down for their addictions. Fix ur own addiction of hating urself.
Linda
10/30/2015 10:20:27 am
This is perfect in every way, you know why, because it's the money alone that they are making off a sick person. Point Blank, and their lives, mind, body and soul.
Corinne Collette
2/8/2016 05:08:10 am
This is such a devastating thing to happen to anyone, especially when you are old enough to see the drug take over someone who you love. I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately heroin is a drug that doesn't care about age, race or gender!! It's disgusting that people are so scared that they might be responsible for the drugs or the overdose, they run. I am a recovering addict of 11 yrs and it is and will always be how I am judged by others and how society will crucify an addict. I feel your pain and suffering. I just wanted to say that your father is no longer struggling and not in pain. I imagine that when something like that happens your soul is cleansed and you become the person you always were. Keep your memory of the good times. I hope you continue to spread your story and remember that you are not alone. With all my best for the future.
Gail Parry
2/11/2016 02:24:27 pm
I feel your pain...I am a Mother of a heroin addict and I do whatever I can to advocate for addiction...I have no shame for addicts...I hand out blessing bags to them
andy jeddrie
2/11/2016 03:38:38 pm
This blog written by Kelsey is the most powerful article I have ever come across. Thank you, young, brave woman, for sharing your story with us. I also have an addiction and am sober by the grace of God. Your pain is electric and I wish anyone considering drug or alcohol would read this article. I sincerely pray your pain eases, but I love how you remember your dad. Do not pay attention to morons that may try to denegrate your love. May God bless you and always hold you in the palm of his hand. 5/23/2020 08:05:04 am
Couldn't help, but to feel my heart catch a little for the pain you must have went through beautiful, I am truly sorry for the pain that, that must have caused you!
rita lewis
2/4/2014 08:06:11 am
What a wonderful tribute to your dad, even though you also touched on his addiction which is a disease. People don't realize that addicts need to want help, if you nag them it drives them even further. I lost a beautiful niece at the age of 20 to a heroin overdose. Her father was a police officer and a dare to care officer. Imagine how he felt, like a failure to hus daughter.When he was out touching other young lifes, his own daughter was sinking further into the depths of addiction. Addiction is truly a misunderstood disease, whether it is drugs, alcohol, food, or other things.
Susan Francis
2/6/2014 06:09:59 am
Your story was very touching.I myself have never had this problem,Thank God,however I know so many families that have lost loved ones to drug addiction.Something most people have no compassion for.Basically because they don't understand how difficult and controlling addiction is.This world is so judgemental,without sympathy.My prayer is for a cure for for all those who suffer from addiction.Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story.I am sorry for your loss.God Bless
Janet Mattern
2/4/2014 08:38:03 am
Kelsey, I'm so proud of you for sharing this story. Your dad was a good man who got controlled by a terrible drug.
Bill Heuglin
2/4/2014 08:45:51 am
Kelsey, a wonderfully written and well thought out piece. My prayers are with you and your family.
Mindy Wade
2/4/2014 08:49:37 am
As a recovering alcoholic I could relate to your letter. I put my son through a lot of hurt during my drinking years. I never thought I could live without it and only did with the help of a 12 Step Program, God and other recovering people. I truly believe drugs are much, much harder to conquer. I am sorry for your loss and thank you for your compassion toward this horrible disease. It is a horrible way to go....I almost died and wanted to. Grateful to be clean 10 years. The world is getting better regarding addiction, but has quite a way to go to believe it is a disease. It's always there. Thank you.
june
2/5/2014 01:23:13 am
Well done.
ktal
2/6/2014 07:07:54 pm
thanks for hashtaggin alchohol & ur loved one
Ceseli
2/4/2014 09:14:19 am
Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed reading your article. It is important for everyone to remember that we are all only human, none of us better than any other. Compassion is certainly lacking in the world today, if more people would be understanding and all- loving instead of judgemental and close minded imagine how much we would all change for the better.This was a perfect example of how addiction can poison even the people most full of life.
ktal
2/6/2014 07:09:05 pm
compassion is full and alive thanks to you!! keep it up
coli1021
2/4/2014 09:21:42 am
May God Bless your Father Always. . . . I send prayers of great strength and support to you and your family. Thank you for sharing this, it is truly important for others to be reminded we are all human. Xo
Beverly
2/4/2014 09:41:55 am
Thank you for this from the bottom of my heart. I have recently just accepted and announced my alcoholism. I wish others who have a "normal" disposition to alcohol and other drugs could understand how powerless we are. You are brave to post this and I can't thank you enough. Prayers for you and your family!
carrie
2/5/2014 08:43:56 am
well that is the first part of getting sober, admitting your problem . with the way that the world is today with everybody judging what they no nothing about. THAT IS THE HARDEST PART -ADMITING . Please read what I shared about 20 comments down . I had addiction so im not just judging or talking about something I don't no about .... I will be praying for you and your disease ...when your ready you will get help
ktal
2/6/2014 07:11:40 pm
you aren't a problem or THE problem. you are strong and happy. conforming to society to be a part, to please, whatever. you and i both can do it without the pressures of an addiction that affects us in a different perhaps more negative way than others. but you know what, it gives us perspective to RELATE, to coach and to understand. that it valuable and i am proud of you for experiencing all that has come with that journey! GL
carrie
2/5/2014 08:44:01 am
well that is the first part of getting sober, admitting your problem . with the way that the world is today with everybody judging what they no nothing about. THAT IS THE HARDEST PART -ADMITING . Please read what I shared about 20 comments down . I had addiction so im not just judging or talking about something I don't no about .... I will be praying for you and your disease ...when your ready you will get help
carrie
2/5/2014 08:44:13 am
well that is the first part of getting sober, admitting your problem . with the way that the world is today with everybody judging what they no nothing about. THAT IS THE HARDEST PART -ADMITING . Please read what I shared about 20 comments down . I had addiction so im not just judging or talking about something I don't no about .... I will be praying for you and your disease ...when your ready you will get help
Kathy k
2/8/2014 09:06:56 am
The story was such a testament to your father of his inner soul. Sharing so deeply from your heart, I reflected of my addiction to alcohol. To admit is one step but I mas ready to surrender. You have opened many peoples mind- to understand we are not weak, running, or checking out of life. Yes it is a disease unfortunately that affects the whole family. I truly feel you have enlightened so many people who have never seen or been affected by a loved one with addiction. I have been sober almost five years and my family in some ways think "I am cured!" Every day is a journey in dealing with recovery. Your message reminded me to step up in my program of AA and be grateful for my dear daughter read your message Kelsey, and sent it to me. You are your dad s voice. May god bless you and your family.
carrie
2/5/2014 08:44:49 am
well that is the first part of getting sober, admitting your problem . with the way that the world is today with everybody judging what they no nothing about. THAT IS THE HARDEST PART -ADMITING . Please read what I shared about 20 comments down . I had addiction so im not just judging or talking about something I don't no about .... I will be praying for you and your disease ...when your ready you will get help
carrie
2/5/2014 08:45:38 am
well that is the first part of getting sober, admitting your problem . with the way that the world is today with everybody judging what they no nothing about. THAT IS THE HARDEST PART -ADMITING . Please read what I shared about 20 comments down . I had addiction so im not just judging or talking about something I don't no about .... I will be praying for you and your disease ...when your ready you will get help
Sally Wheatley
2/4/2014 11:18:39 am
Thank you for having the courage to write this blog. For a lot of us who have not it is a breath of fresh air, a sigh of relief. You have put into your beautiful words what I have wanted to say since 1976 when my own father passed of alcoholism. Since 1989 when his alcoholism became my alcoholism and I found a way out that he never did. Thank you again- you are a wonderful daughter and a brave woman.
NASTIA
2/7/2014 07:04:54 pm
Congratulations Sally!! I'm so glad you 'found a way out',,, God Bless You
Kelly
2/4/2014 11:56:55 am
Such a very raw and awe inspiring article. Bravo for speaking out and speaking loud. Many Blessings to you and your entire family.
Ed D
2/4/2014 12:11:08 pm
I understand that demon very well. But I also found out, for those not afflicted, no amount of discourse will convince them that "we" are just weak minded individuals; for those that are, no explanation needed! God bless your family,
Charlotte Moreland
2/4/2014 12:20:25 pm
Wow ! Thank you for sharing this.
Alan Thomas
2/4/2014 12:30:46 pm
Wow an amazing read by an amazing lady. I absolutely love this to death and I love you too k dawg
Madie Tru
2/4/2014 12:39:08 pm
I lost my dad in November to alcohol addiction and there stories sound so similar and I know exactly what you are going through and have been through. I loved reading this. I will be praying for you and your family.
--
2/4/2014 01:23:12 pm
Thank you for writing this. I feel like it shows people that have no experience with addiction (or alcoholism) that addicts are still human and don't "deserve" it like some will say, that this is a devastating disease and we are powerless over the beast. As a recovering addict/alcoholic your last line hit me hard: "Because each person that has fallen victim to addiction was once someone to somebody."
jaimy
2/4/2014 01:25:44 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm a recovering user and I'm in a relationship with someone who is as well. Knowing there is a cure I see every day, it's being reminded that it is a disease on a daily basis that keeps me sober. I'm in tears now at your father's love for you all, you're more blessed than you know that heroine could never take that away from him. My heart is always with those who die in the grips of this hell, but so grateful because it keeps so many clean. My email is here if you need it.
Rachel L.
2/4/2014 01:46:03 pm
This post has filled me with a billion emotions all simultaneously. I'm happy and proud that you posted this, as it is balsy but hopefully equally as cathartic for you to write, as it was for me to read. Never, ever blame yourself in a situation like this, because sometimes addicts break themselves down to such a point where they honestly believe in their heart that they'd lessen the burden on the ones they love, if only they could disappear. Irrational? Yes. But the truth for many. Heroin has the worst stigma, but in reality it is the most self-defeating drug out there. It's weak. But it's tough as hell to ever let go of. I'm sorry you, your family, and your father stuggled with this. It's a heavy load to carry, but do so with your chin up. He's probably with you today more than he was ever able to be before. For me, eight years and the storm still isn't calm. You're right Kelsey, some of us didn't choose to be addicts.
franda b
2/4/2014 02:12:38 pm
This was very touching. I will hold you and yours in prayers as well as those whom have addiction problems. As the oldest of 4 children, all 3 of my younger siblings are/have been addicts. I am only 33 and that should speak for their ages. Their addictions escalated from pills (pain pills, x bars, oxy..etc) to meth, to shooting meth, to heroin. Each one had different "reasons" to do such drugs. Some I could really understand of why they wanted to bury the pain, to one sibling just wanting the attention because focus was on others. I am so lucky that I was raised by my aunt who instilled so many different things, that though I have been through many tradgeys I have been able to live life without even alcohol. However, I have learned many things in the way of addiction. It should not be praised and the people who do suffer, don't even want to look themselves in the mirror let alone want the people who love them to see them. They know what they are doing is wrong but they bury their pain in other ways than learning how to live through it and it is so sad. We are losing so many people because of this. There should be more awareness made rather than these stupid commercials over pot. There are still more drunk related deaths than heroin overdoses. I know my thoughts are scattered writing this but it is hard to write quick with kids running around. So my point, I understand what you have said, and appreciate you writing such a personal letter it has touched me and my mother whom I read it to. Thank you for sharing for it is really hard to express such grief.
Renae D. Harding
2/4/2014 03:07:09 pm
Thank you so much as a fellow Junkie or someone afflicted by the disease of addiction. I am so grateful to know that thru all of it you still loved your dad it is so important that tough love doesn't mean leave me alone or get the hell out of my life it means I have to live my live without you causing problems for me and mine it doesn't mean I don' t love you it is a slippery slope and I for one need to know that you still love me god bless you and yours thanks for your post it will go a long way
Linda A. Willigar
2/4/2014 03:15:17 pm
I can relate to this too; and I also thank you for sharing. My son and your dad had much in common! He was addicted to many drugs and a lot of the time he made my life hell, however, he was the one who made everyone laugh, the way he told stories I could never tell the same story the way he did, He was well loved, admired, looked up to for his intelligence. There were even some jealous of him. But I will say he also was the person in this world who loved me like no other, was proud of me like no other for my accomplishments. No one appreciated all I did for them like he did or even came close to acknowledging things I did for him. And I will say here one of the most appalling things I faced was 2 weeks after he passed my mothers therapist said to me for the second time as I was expressing missing him that it had to be a relief. I agreed that in ways (like having to watch certain medications not be around him and middle of the night phone calls, etc.) I would be lying if I said not at all but he looked and sounded completely annoyed with me for not just saying yes. He said quite nastily why do you keep saying in a way. I replied because I would give every drop of that relief and more to have him back. I was still in the extreme grieving process or I would have been quicker with the correct reply as I usually am and that would have been to say about as much relief as it would have been had your daughter not have survived her bout of cancer. I mean I have lived through cancer with some relatives and let me tell you just the part where you are watching them suffer is relief to not having to see them suffer anymore, the running to hospitals, doctors, etc. etc. Anyone who said some of these things ending would not be a relief would be lying but anyone who thinks losing a loved one is better because it was ok it was only drugs not cancer is insane!
Jessica
2/4/2014 09:43:26 pm
Oh my I am so super sorry that someone actually expected you to be relieved. Seriously? I am so glad that a a human being I do not lack that compassion. Your short story touched me as much as Kelsey's
Kathy
2/8/2014 12:07:04 am
Linda...I m so sorry...I understand exactly what u mean....I dread the day....but never know ...My husband and I can t give up on my grandson...but is it for not and even if it is. .. 2/4/2014 06:02:34 pm
I am sad to read that you lost your wonderful father. I am sad this disease stigmatizes those that live and die with it. I am sad the "powers that be" live in denial of what an epidemic addiction is. I am sad that people believe its a choice? Who would choose that life? I commend you for your post and wish you peace as you move forward!
Lola Bee
2/4/2014 07:38:01 pm
Thank you.
pat
2/4/2014 08:09:42 pm
Wow your story is my children's story. Their father passed away September 9th of an over dose. God bless you in my prayers.
holly Barron
2/4/2014 08:30:53 pm
So sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my 24 year old son Aaron 2 years ago. It is a shame that there are so many people that will easily judge us or our loved ones. No one wakes up one day and wants to be an addict. What a horrible way to die. My son was a bright, smart, funny young man that made a horrible mistake. We have all made bad choices and mistakes, the only difference. It didnt cost us our lives
nancy
2/7/2014 10:33:26 am
holly i am so sorry for your loss I almost lost my son one year ago heroin took him down a dark road as a mother my heart broke for him I found him blue in his bed had to do cpr got him back thank god he is one year sober I will never be the same because of this drug my heart goes out to you I buried my oldest child August 28, 2013 from a drug overdose. The coroner told us 1-3 people die every single day in Jefferson Co. Ky. from drug overdose. That is so alarming. We all have stories we could tell, Drug overdoses hit all walks of life today, it's not just in the ghettos. My son couldn't even stop for his beautiful 4 year old daughter. It wasn't that he didn't want to, the drugs are so powerful, he couldn't stop. He was trying tho when he died. He injected two perocets and it killed him. I really want to talk about tough love. All his friends and family wanted me to kick him out and practice tough love. I did to some extent. He had been in a fire and lost his leg and I would not put him on the street. This I say to all of you that think tough love is the only answer, IT IS NOT. All tough love does is isolate the person more and makes them want to forget all their sorrows and do more drugs. Excluding them from your life makes it worse. You don't have to approve, condone, not feed their addiction but excluding them, ignoring them and never talking to them is certainly not the answer either. There are things I would do differently if my son was still alive. I'd make him plan his own funeral lst and foremost and 2nd I don't care how much it cost or where to get it but I'd have made sure he had that $1000 drug that is out to help with addiction. ADDICTS are not bad people but people in need of help. I cry every single day for my son. I want him back so bad I can't stand it. All I can do try and help anyone I can to recover from drug addiction. It's the worst thing in the world to lose your child. Do I blame my son, NO I blame the drug companies for putting such harmful drugs out there to make addicts!!
Pattie Webster
2/5/2014 01:22:11 am
Bless your "mother's heart"- couldn't agree with you more!
carrie
2/5/2014 08:31:29 am
1st an foremost I just want to say im truly sorry that you lost your son , I am a mother and the thought of loosing a child is awful . Most importantly I WAS an addict also , I have been clean and sober for 3 years now(am a recovering addict) . I lost my father Aug. 2 2013 that was I think 1 of the hardest things I ever went threw, After a long battle with cancer it won . I got my children back a year an a half after being clean with the help of my father that showed me tough love .I still seen him everyday he made sure I ate and showered his tough love was not buying the drugs for me or giving me a place to sleep at night . I CANT THANK HIM ENOUGH FOR THAT .... Cause if nothing would have changed im not sure I would of . My point in sharing this with everybody is just to let people no that judging people with addiction when you have not been in their shoes is just showing stupidity in yourself . Cause its so easy to say you don't want the drug or that your going to change ect. ,But when you feel like your dying and having all these crazy withdraws you will do or say what you gotta . Ginny its not that your son didn't want to stop for his daughter its that addiction over powers any and everything(even love and your kids) .I lost my 3 children to foster care for a SHORT time , I never thought about them an where they were while using (I was chasing the devil) . As soon as the toxins were out of my body and I thought about how scared my kids had to be in a strange place an ect. I new I had to get my babies home soon with the help of my father they were back with us in a matter of just a few months .Soon after is when my father found out he had cancer that was untreatable I new I was the only 1 that could help him after helping me get my kids back . Me my 3 kids lived with him an I took care of him and he made me promise I would not let hospice come in . I did but I was scared to no that the drugs that had so much control over me I was going to have to start giving him daily cause the cancer went to his brain he could no longer remember to take his meds . Well im HAPPY to say that I was able to give them to him daily without it bothering me much (cause my body no longer depended on them) .They say everything happens for a reason an I believe that was my dads test to see if id be ok if he let go,9months and many of long days without sleep I guess he felt I was strong enough he went to sleep and never woke up. I ONLY DID WHAT I FELT WAS RIGHT HELP HIM WHEN HE NEEDED IT CAUSE HE WAS THERE WHEN I NEEDED A PUSH!!!!!! I thank god everyday for allowing me to get threw all of this and so that I could be the daughter I was (before my addiction ) and the mother that my kids deserve. I learned a lot from going to classes/groups about life before an after addiction. There should be treatment around here for people with this disease that cant afford health ins. or that just plane don't have it . there are plenty of places you can go if you have any other disease that the state helps you with . Its not fare that people judge an profile for this as someone already stated you don't just wake up 1 day and say "ok today is the day im ready to have an addiction" -THAT IS SO NOT HOW IT WORKS. Mine as most people that are addicted to pills were given to me by a Dr. when I had M.R.S.A and had surgery and within 4 months I was buying them on the streets an then lost everything cause of them. I did nothing wrong to deserve this and I was 1 of them people that said "IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME" WRONG ADDICITON DOES NOT CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU HAVE . WOW I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN WRITTING THIS I DID'NT RELZE I HAVE WROTE A SHORT STORY ..... I'm just sick of people putting their 2 cents in that have no idea what they are talking about or that has not walked a foot in our shoes..... I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH I WAS AN ONLY CHILD HE RAISED ME ALONE AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HIM BACK TO TAKE CARE OF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE..... I just want to tell everyone thanks for taking the time to read my story and if you have someone in your family or just a friend that is struggling with addiction please don't turn your back on them, they are still human and need a lot of help with this you can't do it on your own they need ALOT OF SUPPORT!!!!
Jennie
2/5/2014 10:01:44 am
God Bless You Carrie and be with you and your children every minute of everyday. I have never been addicted to drugs myself but I had a brother that passed away at 48 years old of alcohol and drug overdose. He was one of the sweetest loving and big heart person I have ever know. He was funny and so easy going. I also have two sisters and another brother. I know that such tendencies can be passed on from a parent also. My father was an alcoholic that ended up kicking the habit because of his deciding to turn to God for help. He was a christian for 14 years before he passed with cancer of the liver. He died a horrible death but he never did judge other addicts he tried to help the to not give into alcohol and drugs but he never got across to his son. I think that people just have to get to the point where they want to live and understand that if they want that more than the drugs they try harder if they are loved and family always love them unconditionally. My oldest brother who has had a lot of back surgeries and my youngest sister suffering from deep depression are both on hard prescription drugs and I worry about them all the time. I and my other sister have never done drugs and I thank God for that. I miss my little brother very much but I know there wasn't anything I could do.
Dianne Hunt
2/6/2014 09:47:20 am
Addiction should be treated like the illness it is. There should be good treatment centers for everyone no matter what your income level. That is what they do in Europe and that is what should be done here.
annette
2/12/2014 09:54:38 am
what is the $1000.00 drug used to help addicts?
Jennifer Walden
2/4/2014 10:04:42 pm
Thank You so much for sharing. I have delt with addiction first hand and you are absolutly right. Trust and believe your dad loved you more than anything. Addiction is a sick disease it makes people do things they would have never, ever done before. I have a candle lit to remember your dad and ever other addict right now. If this letter helpes one other struggeling family its a blessing. Thank you again
Johnetta M
2/4/2014 10:14:15 pm
Wow just wow what a strong person you are!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and from the heavens above Dad is still so proud of you..so many good people fighting this battle with a loved one knows exactly how you feel wonderful job writing this and may god bless you sweetie thank you for sharing with us
Andrea M
2/4/2014 10:39:17 pm
God Bless You and your family!
arlene
2/4/2014 11:01:11 pm
Kelsey there is a poem called "THE DASH" it was read at my sons funeral when he died from heroin overdose. his name is Tim 01/20/1963 - 01/28/2011. always remember your dads dash, that's what is important, nothing else!
Jessie
2/6/2014 03:10:26 am
that is an amazing poem. Thank you for sharing. i am sorry about your son.
Brendan Sanders
2/6/2014 06:36:21 pm
"Its not the numbers on either side its the dash in the middle that counts" this was my fathers favorite quote he died 2 years ago and ever since then I have been struggling with addiction I'm only 18 years old and I feel completely lost
Bev
2/9/2014 10:57:30 am
Brendan, you are NOT alone! Try meditation, try prayer, try music, try talking to a friend. You are sooo young!! Please, there are oeople who care, you just haven't found them yet, but they are around you. Take a good look! But don't give up and don't give in!!! Thoughts and prayers are with you!
jeff
2/10/2014 11:09:29 am
Hang in there bud hang in there your life is important
Andra
2/4/2014 11:31:06 pm
Keep your chin up and your head high. You father was a great man who raised a great daughter who has the courage to share this and the clarity to understand addiction. It's sad beyond belief to see people struggle with it and be helpless. It's hard not to be able to help. And it's excruciating to go through the coulda/woulda/shoulda forever. But in life, you can only do your best, be kind and compassionate, and appreciate the difference that makes.
Michele
2/4/2014 11:51:06 pm
I'm so sorry for your loss (although I know that you know you really lost your dad when the disease of addiction took him) and thank you for sharing this sensitive message with the world.
Erin78
2/5/2014 12:13:56 am
A lovely tribute.
Gay
2/5/2014 12:48:58 pm
Erin78 I have to agree with you,I believe it is a choice as I was once abusing drugs and alcohol and made the choice to stop.and no it is not an easy road it is something that has to be wanted enough to do what u have to do stay clean. I have an ex that chose alcohol over a new wife and 2 beautiful boys ages 1& 2 at the time. I use to blame myself and think I wasn't worth more then getting drunk. Thinking that is was a disease made me accept it but deep down I know it all comes down to choices. When the consequences become more then you can handle you chose to stop.. My dear youngest boy who just turned 18 on the 25th has been struggling for several years now from opiate use. I kicked him out yesterday for stealing from me for the umptheeth time. he knew the consequences and CHOSE to do it anyway, for the high, not because he had no other choice. I kicked him out be4 and then felt guilty because I thought it was my fault for not helping him more. I let him move back in and he went right back to his old behavior. I am done feeling like I am stalked in my own home. he has come in while I am sleeping and stolen things right out of my pocket.People abusing drugs and/or alcohol have deeper issues that have not been resolved so they turn to drugs and/or alcohol. Until these issues are resolved there is no stopping because the choice is to use and then feel it is justified, it is not and we need to quit giving them an easy out and say that they cant do anything about it because it is a disease. get off the pity pot and straighten up.they know there are plenty that love you and want the best but they can not change your behavior if u choose not to yourself. I wish I could have given my son reason to stop but that has to come from within. I know there are many that disagree with me but this is my thoughts. There is no right or wrong answer but we are all entitled to think we r right.we just disagree.
gay
2/5/2014 01:03:43 pm
Mitchell
2/5/2014 10:39:48 pm
I'm so glad you posted about people not being able to cope. I did coke 3x per week for 7 years and had at least drinks just about every day, with a week here or there of cleansing, aka, substance free to feel better about myself. I lost my fiancé and my daughter because of the CHOiCES I made. My fiancé and I started our relationship on partying. Then she got pregnant. She became clean and happy. Her happiness made me happy, but I chose to continue doing what I was doing. I chose my girlfriends, coke and the other alcohol. They creep up on you. That's the problem, but you still have a choice. I chose the easy way out. Then I got injured and got hooked on Vicodin. Oh god. The devil. Two weeks of hell to rid your body of that shit. Once you do it, it's the best feeling ever. People need to wake up. Blaming is such an American principle. In Europe (where I live now) people suffer from addiction, but not the the extent. The difference is, it's not a disease here. It's a slew of bad choices. Oh, I am not religious, but hike every day. And running is the perfect cure for addicts. Plus, my now 33 year old body is in the best shape ever. I even was scouted out by a modeling agency and will be in an Adidas online commercial.
Brian G.
2/5/2014 07:57:14 pm
Hi Erin. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm a runner. While I was struggling I went back into running, a passion of mine that I abandoned when I was in the full thrust of my addiction. My running and my relationship with Jesus Christ have been both vital parts of my recovery process. I'm currently in training for a half marathon, which would be my fifth in the last three years. Thank you for sharing and God bless.
Bobbie
2/6/2014 01:08:04 pm
Erin78 & Gay..... I must respectfully disagree with your assessment of addiction. It is a medically proven fact that addiction is a disease that most often has a strong genetic component. I understand your view that "no one forces you to put a needle in your arm", and agree that much of life is about our choices. However I have yet to meet an alcoholic or addict that woke up and decided they would like to destroy their life & be completely controlled by a drink or drug. Many of us, not all, have taken pain medications as prescribed by Doctors for injury or serious disease, had alcohol with friends or family in socially accepted ways, been dumb teenagers or college students who have believed we could party like everyone else, or tried to use alcohol or drugs to numb unimaginable emotional or physical pain. But because of our genetic make up, when others could stop, we could not. Addiction is NOT an "American Excuse"!! Around the world people suffer from the grip of addiction. I commend you for your ability to get sober in prison, and have so far stayed sober out. However it is unfortunate that you judge those who need other means to get and stay sober. You judge the disease of addiction as simply weak people who make bad choices. I too am a recovering addict, who feels the putting of all individuals circumstances into my mold of "how to do it right, or why they are where they are", would be arrogant and ignorant on my part. All these words..... to try to express.... Every person has their own story they could tell. I don't have all of the answers & do not pretend to. But I understand the pain of addiction, how I got there, how I stumbled & fell but am out today. I understand the pain of watching someone you love struggle and fight this disease. For both the addict and those who love them.... Guilt, shame, despair, hopelessness, isolation, pain, and fear are constant companions. It would seem to me that those of us who have experienced addiction should be THE FIRST ONES to have compassion and be willing to share our experience, strength and hope. Many of the things you shared that help you to stay clean are also things that daily help many others. Not every person may be able to find their way out in the same way you have. But rather than out down a different path than yours, why not applaud whatever means of success someone finds? I found this young lady's article beautifully written with compassion and a sensitivity that draws people in, rather than pushes them away. WE RISE BY LIFTING OTHERS UP, never by putting others down. I wish you continued success on your journey!
erin78
2/6/2014 10:26:24 pm
To bring clarification, addiction is everywhere in the world. It's NOT American. The classification of chemical dependence being attributed as a disease is American. There is some research that there is a genetic component, but my point is, addiction is becoming acceptable. And it's not. The more sweet names we attach to it lets us off the hook. Just as incest or rape are taboos, addiction needs to be one. What I see with just about every friend who is addicted is a sense of relief with excuses. Does it mean you are a bad person because of your addiction? No way. It means you perpetually make bad choices. The compassion comes in with second chances. But all of us who struggle with addiction need to meet half way. As in learn to cope. That's really it. Learning to cope. Personally, looking back on the past leads to excuses, which feels awful to me, which leads to me wanting a quick cure to take that pain away. Sometimes sitting with it, being introspective and just waiting it out, then going for a run is all you need. Always, for me, going for a run is what helps. We all need outlets, it's a matter of finding the right one. On the same note, my ex is "addicted" to sex. Let me tell you how many drug addicts I know look down on that. I have been told it's a choice for him to cheat. Oh, and he is addicted to physically abusing women. Can that be classified as a disease too?
Nastia
2/7/2014 07:46:59 pm
I am ONLY responding because you have questioned what I have always known as true. I LITERALLY, CHOSE to be an addict. Even as it sounds crazy to me, to type that, I am still telling the truth. I was shunned by my mother. At that time, my father was so strict, I felt I was willingly walking into a prison (I chose to live with him, instead of my mother) for the rest of my life, (when I had previously had full reign over my mother's apartment) .. whether it was the Air Conditioner Temperature, to the Food in the Refrigerator, everything was as I wanted it in her apartment. I chose, quite literally, to become an addict because I had no love for myself.. & wanted to feel like I mattered..
robert HW
2/7/2014 09:34:58 pm
I currently an addict. I have been since med. school. Wow, did I just say that? I'm an MD who had my license revoked. I now work on Wall Street. I am high on narcotics every day. Heroin is my love, so is oxy. I make so much money, I come from it. Addiction can hit anyone, but let me tell you. It is a choice. Not always so much on the surface, in a "hey, I think today I'm going to become an addict." But when the going rest tough, when your loved ones are in your face telling you how much you are loves, the guilt overcomes you, you choose to be strong or you choose to be weak. Yes, for me the partying crept up on me until I chose I couldn't function without drugs and alcohol. It's a choice; honestly, the best part about having your friends and family know about addiction is knowing they are worrying about you. Oh, and they are big enablers. Never kid yourself...enablers are all around and we who choose drugs are the best of the manipulators. Many of my friends are addicts...most who have made it, aka, finally owned their shit, been honest with themselves will tell you it's a choice. For many years I played the disease card...well I still do. My parents totally buy into the disease thing. But when my dad flew me to an island in the South Pacific and left me there for a year, I had no choice to be an addict. There wasn't even alcohol. That year, I lived like a poor person but felt so rich. No drugs...missed them the first two weeks I was there. It's more of a game. Like someone took control of you and obtaining the drugs gives you control. I wish I had the courage to get back on that plane and to do it again. I wish I had the courage to go to na or AA. I am mad at myself for falling off the wagon after 3 years of sober happiness. The struggle was there, it's called life. But growing up, I never learned to cope. My parents stuck something in my mouth when I was young, a toy in my hand when I was older, money as a teenager.,.deep down I know I was a burden. That's my emptiness. But seriously, it's up to me to make something of myself and I hold on to a divorce that happened when I was 10. I believe I chose to be an addict. Disease is something that is inflicted upon you and calling addiction a disease is a copout. I am 36 years old, I could be a physician, but instead I work on Wall Street for a pharmaceutical company that loves Americans addiction problems. I get paid a hell of a lot of money for them so I can support my own. I'm Rob and I love drugs. I don't want to stop. My choice.
Dayna M Menard
2/8/2014 07:46:24 am
Beautifully said and perfectly put. Couldn't have said it better myself. Compassion people. We all need to help one another and not judge.
Addiction is a disease. PERIOD.
Dayna M Menard
2/8/2014 07:41:49 am
Erin, as a fellow addict or recovered addict, Addiction is most definitely a disease. It has been proven by science that addiction is embedded into someones genes. It is either there or it isn't there. Simple as that. I'm not saying that you can't choose recovery - but sometimes even if you "choose" it and you do everything that you are supposed to, some people come out and go right back into it.. That is a disease that people cannot control as it is in there genetic makeup. It's proven science.
Frank
2/5/2014 01:05:01 am
Tug thank you for courage & God Bless your Dad; I see myself in your description of him & hope someone like you will find such kind words for me. All I ever wanted was to be loved & wanted by my family & others. When I was a kid my completion for love at home was a bottle of vodka as my mom was a non functioning alcoholic & dad was busy putting food on the table, clothes on our backs & his own drinking. Despite sports, hobbies & an education I found alcohol/Drugs & dove deep into the warmth of my own addiction. I never thought I hurt anyone else but myself with my selfish needs to feed my inner beast. I was wrong because of the person YOU described being like your dad . I was many things to many people & impacted many lives with my humanity & love of laughter. God Bless you & the Family
Pattie Webster
2/5/2014 01:13:35 am
Bless your heart sweet girl. You are so right about everything you just spoke of. Your dad has one more thing to be proud of. The demons that drive all of this- is NO JOKE. May Lord have your dad's soul safely in His care now.
Lisa
2/5/2014 01:30:17 am
Thank you for this post. I have lost my only two siblings to YES this horrible disease. Also have put my own daughters through hard times trying to overcome my own battles as well. You are an amazing young lady & your father seemed to realize that too, as you described his hangings on his fridge. Your words are touching. Once again thank you..
Morgan
2/5/2014 01:45:25 am
Kelsey I have never had the opportunity to get to know you however I am constantly impressed by what you say, how you conduct yourself, and your passion.
nancy
2/7/2014 11:15:28 pm
thank you kelsy so many of us are in this battle it gives some comfort to know that others care
Angel
2/5/2014 02:09:06 am
This is very beautiful! Thank u so much for sharing! It's hard to look past ssocieties judgments and see this as the loss of the wonderful person he was. I to lost someone very close to me to heroin just last year. It still haunts me and is hard to swallow that's he's gone. I pray he's in a better place safe and at peace away from his pain and the judgements he lived with every day. Don't ever let this cruel ignorant world stop you from remembering your dad for the wonderful man he was, all of his aaccomplishments he made before his addiction set in, all those smile he brought to your face and all the warm memories you hold dear to your heart! Thanks again for sharing, I personally really appreciate it! ! wow, so awesome..My parents were addicted to alcohol during my years in the 60's..it was so bad I had to go live with my Gramma. I understood they were sick, but it dsnt change how it affects and changed our lives. I have had 3 failed marraiges, I have now been single 18 years..It isnt a problem I suffered with personally, but boy do I totally understand the feelings. and I have ended up with 3 addicted kids..Its a disease no one can ever understand til u live it over and over, unfortunately..God bless you ~
Pam
2/5/2014 02:22:18 am
I'm so sorry for your loss. So very brave of you to voice your opinion about this horrible addiction. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Jennifer
2/5/2014 03:09:30 am
Wow, Kelsey, I had no idea. This brought tears to my eyes. You are such a brave and strong person to open your story to everyone. I am so sorry for the pain and loss that you have had to experience, but you are such an intelligent woman to not let it all be in vain. By sharing your story with all of us, you are touching others that are or have gone thru the same horrors, and letting us all know we are not alone in human struggles. I lost my father to an overdose last year as well. He was not all of what yours was to you, but knowing how proud of me he was of me was a blessing in itself. I hope you find comfort and peace.
carol
2/5/2014 03:23:14 am
Beautifully said and a beautiful tribute to your father. I struggle everyday to end the stigma association with addiction. It is the only way to help an addict (, to treat them like a human being) they already have enough self hatred. God bless you and may your father rip
Dia Booth Ling
2/5/2014 03:23:56 am
As an addictions counselor, I can appreciate the struggle your father and your family have been through. I am glad you have found a way to embrace your father in a loving and generous way. Addiction is a chronic and progressive disease. Too many people, including family members, see it as a choice. No one chooses to have cancer. No one chooses to be an addict. Thank you for sharing your story and for celebrating your father's life with us. My God bless you and your family. I pray you continue to find peace.
Velvie
2/5/2014 03:41:10 am
God Bless you and your family honey. I have 3 addicted children and I love each one of them dearly. 1 in recovery, 1 in jail and one struggling! We lost a son in July to a overdose and the pain lingers. However he was our son and I will say everyone we dealt with, trooper, medical examiner, funeral director and friends were very kind. Stay strong..you are a beautiful person and I am sure your father loved you and your siblings very much!
Brandy
2/5/2014 04:20:02 am
Wow. This article really hit home. My dad struggled with alcohol and pill addiction my entire life until he lost his battle in July 2009. I watched my dad waste away into a brittle, skeleton-like man covered in jaundiced skin. I felt all the same emotions..anger and embarrassment with a constant feeling of guilt. He was the smartest, funniest most talented man I have ever know, and I hated that people saw him as a weak, stumbling mess.
Jennifer
2/5/2014 04:44:33 am
Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man. You should remember all the beautiful things he gave to you. I'm so sorry for your loss but extremely moved by your words that you wrote. Addiction is cruel and painful. Addiction is unfair. Continue to speak out for all addicts, your dad would be so proud.
BJ
2/5/2014 05:20:50 am
Kelsey, Hang in there girl, I had a son that OD"d and I took him to hospital, later I had him arrested, He is now a recoving Heroine user in a rehab in Lexington. He has accepted Christ , been saved and wants to be a youth minister.PRAISE THE LORDP
Amanda
2/5/2014 05:29:59 am
Thank you for sharing this as it sheds a light on addiction few people realize exsist. My Grandpa was addicted to pain killers and sadly his heart gave out when I was 18. It is hard to watch your hero fall over the years but I will never forget the amazing person he was. Addict or not.
Jason Coskrey
2/5/2014 06:04:31 am
That was a beautiful story and I really appreciate you sharing it! I myself am a recovering heroin addict and have been sober for over 2 years!!! But that was such a heart warming story and told with such class and dignity
Allison
2/5/2014 06:13:18 am
I'm sorry that this happened to you and you had to go through this experience, but you fail to make mention of how the addicts choices effects everyone around them. How they destroy happiness. How your non-addict life becomes overcome by their choices. My family has been personally involved with an addict and it is the most awful experience because it's constant everyday. Every phone call, every party, every family occasion, every good thing and every bad thing that happens you always ask yourself "I wonder if they are high". I'm sorry about your experience, but just as you have your opinion others have theirs.
Judy
2/5/2014 07:53:09 am
That was just beautiful! Be proud of yourself and your father! Nobody knew your father as you did, and what others say and think about your father shouldn't matter. EVERYONE has faults; NOBODY is perfect. In my opinion, we all have some type of addiction that is killing us...we "judge" it differently than putting a needle in our arm, but it's all the same. Whether it be cigarettes, prescription drugs, alcohol, food.....we knowingly continue to damage our bodies in one way or another. God bless you and your family.
Julie Bush
2/5/2014 07:53:58 am
Kelsey - Thank you for sharing this very personal and private story in order to help others dealing with the brutal challenges of addiction. You cease to amaze me with your integrity, and your ability to be a teacher, a mentor, and a visionary. My heart aches for your loss. I hope you can find peace in knowing that your dad loved you, your brothers and your mom. He simply couldn't find enough love for himself. Big Hugs and Lots of Respect!
Amy
2/5/2014 09:18:08 am
This is beautiful. Good for you!! And sorry for the loss of your father.
Dawn Bolton
2/5/2014 09:22:39 am
Thank you for writing this I have dealt with a feeling of shame when telling some people my son died of a heroin overdose. You feel judgement from some, it is wrong,YES, but none the less, it is a taboo. It is a disease, no different than being stricken with cancer. Maybe one day, mental health issues and addiction struggles will be viewed differently. That is my hope and prayer.
Ashlie
2/5/2014 09:23:31 am
Your dad was a man who deserves to be remembered and will always be, so long as you allow his memory to live on through you. Heroin/addiction has no bias, no prejudice...it can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Stories like these will help to take away the stigma associated with heroin use and abuse. Educate the public by sharing and sharing and sharing some more. He will smile down and be proud of his shameless daughter, who may just talk to the right person one day and save a life.
Dawn Bolton
2/5/2014 09:24:19 am
Penny Chance
2/5/2014 09:42:00 am
This is a beautiful tribute to your father and a moving portrait of how drug and alcohol addiction destroy lives. I think you are a brave young woman and your father would be very proud of you. I am a recovering addict and I am fortunate to have a supportive family. No one wants that life. I thank God every time that I survived. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I think your message is one of hope. Bless you for that.
I want to express my thanks for putting your loved one in front of me. I see him in my brother who fought his addition until his death. He died of COPD but his alcoholism weakened him. He once went 10 yrs alcohol-free. Only he knew the torment he suffered. His family suffered also.He has been gone 35 yrs and he left a beautiful family who loved him. I see him in my mind, not an addict, but a wonderful brother, son, husband, dad and friend. Your family are in my prayers, God bless you for putting a face on the human instead of the addict.
Lisa
2/5/2014 10:15:58 am
Thank You so much for sharing your story. May your father now R.I.P and his demons be no more. Addiction is a horrible disease, that so very few understand....my heart hurts for you, but I'm happy to see you remembering him as the Dad he was, and not his addiction
Tammy
2/5/2014 10:40:00 am
Thank you for pouring out your pain and your love. You have made a difference in the way i see a very difficult situation. God bless!
Jennifer
2/5/2014 11:00:31 am
Beautifully written. You are so strong to be able to push through something like this. Thank you so much for sharing. It is right for you to remember your dad at his best, because the best days are what made him the dad you loved. He didn't deserve to die because of his drug problem, and anyone who thinks otherwise about anyone with addiction problems just doesn't understand the strength of addiction. Your father is at peace from his struggles now and he lives in you and your brothers as you already know! Thank you so much for putting such a private, emotional blog out there for us to read. Very brave.
Julie
2/5/2014 11:01:15 am
This is very touching, and gives me something to think about. I believe that I have been a good parent, as has my husband, but my oldest child - my son, who I know loves me dearly has a drug addiction that he cannot overcome, I have helped and enabled him, I have brought him to detox and rehab and have been there to help him out of problems. At this point I believe I have been enabling him and know longer provide cash, a roof over his head, or anything but love. We thought he "hit rock bottom" for years but he always has to find a lower bottom. I told him last time he was over ( because we do provide him love) that if he keeps this up he will be dead - he is 32 with internal organs that are likely in their 50's ( which is what he learned in rehab) but drugs are to powerful, It was not that he had a bad life growing up, or any "reason" to become an addict- it was that one, ten or 50th time that he tried a drug that now has captured him. I believe I can provide love, but expect death, I don't like watching the news - when there is criminal activity - I wonder if its my son, when someone is killed, I wonder if its my son, I check his Facebook to see if he has logged in - so I know he is alive for another day. I love when he comes to visit - because I know he is still alive. I pray he will hit his personal rock bottom so he can finally change to the son I knew before the drugs! I watch and wait and pray. I believe he can change, but he needs to want it, not us, as we all want it for him, but cannot help him and I will no longer enable him either - I tried to be there, but really for some people you have to step away and let them create their own path. the fallout of this could be enormous, and not a thing I can do. I also want to say the court system doesn't help a drug addict to clean up, because in remand there is no counselling and even being on bail and doing weekends, they cannot go to rehab - because they can't miss weekend so the downward spiral continues. Sorry for such a long reply. I am happy you love your dad, and I believe he loved you dearly - his rock bottom was death, he didn't get one more chance. So sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you and your family!
Kristina
2/5/2014 11:13:52 am
My father, a recovering heroin addict, also passed away on September 4th 2013. Thank you for sharing your story & helping to educate society on the terrible disease of addiction that so few understand. I am keeping you & your family in my thoughts. May your father rest peacefully & be remembered as the wonderful father that he was. Silenced by the magnitude of this message. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for speaking up, for breaking the silence, and for sharing without shame about how addiction has affected you and your family. I am so grieved and so sorry for this tremendous loss of yours. As a mother who lost a son to a heroin overdose on April 12, 2013, I stand beside you and pray for peace beyond understanding as you walk this road of grief. Not only for you, but for your precious family. God's grace to you.
LaDonna Houchin
2/5/2014 11:44:09 am
What a perfect description of how we (people that have loved ones with an addiction) truly feel!! Thank you for sharing your life with me and the world. I pray this will reach many people and help them to understand that we can't let this nasty disease keep us from loving and caring for human beings that need us! God Bless You and your family!!
Cathy Greig
2/5/2014 11:54:19 am
Thank you for sharing....I gave birth to a child of a alcoholic...and I knew the hole what he was...what he gave this world is a wonderful woman who has contributed sooo much to society...
Myrt Allen
2/5/2014 11:54:26 am
I sit here with tears in my eyes as I try to read the story and replys. I have a grandson ,who by the way was our first grand child. He is a heroin user. He is the most precious thing in my life. As I read this story I am happy to see we have a reason to tell the world our story When he was young I was in denial of his drug use. Now I want to let the world know what a terrible life this has been. I have never been ashamed of his sickness. Only God can steer us through this now. I am so proud of you for sharing your story. God be with you. 2/5/2014 12:04:34 pm
From the outside looking in you can't understand it,from the inside looking out you can't explain it!
Dennis
2/5/2014 12:14:31 pm
I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been to write this out I too have and do deal with a parent with an addiction (prescription pills at first and now alcohol) There is nothing i want more in my entire life than for her to get clean and sober even if it is for one day i would give up everything for that. I have stopped talking to her as has my sister I cannot worry every night if she is going to call or email me some long rambling thing telling me how much i suck or how I am a horrible person for not "helping" her. I have little compassion for addicts but i realize what the families go though and that is who i pray for and think about when someone dies.
michele
2/5/2014 12:33:20 pm
This is amazing and I hope others take this to heart as I did. You have a beautiful soul.
Pam
2/5/2014 01:05:10 pm
Thank you for sharing your touching story. That took courage and an understanding not often found in a young person.(and many older people as well) Your dad was ill. I work in a state hospital and see this often. Mostly they spend jail time first. The ones I get are the lucky ones. I teach drug and alcohol recovery classes and would like to share with you a book that addresses all the issues you addressed plus more. My 31 year old son is also an addict in recovery and I have watched him fight this battle. The book is by David Sheff and is called Clean. It's recently in paperback and well worth the price. God bless your family, and bless you for your understanding heart. May God bless your dad who is finally free.
matt
2/5/2014 01:19:19 pm
Addiction may not be classified as a disease, but its classified as one to every addict that lives this day and last. Im an addict, but a sustaining addict. I know how to let ut go, but my will power always brings me back to the spot i let go at. Ive been an addict since i was 13 years old. Ive quit a few times and then always started up again. What is it?? Doesnt matter, irs my addiction and mine alone.. addiction is adiction.. no matter how you paint the picture
Ben
2/5/2014 01:25:14 pm
I just lost a best friend to heroin and when people would ask why I was feeling down (visibly, I couldnt help it), many people would shrug it off as though the pain was less valid than if my friend died in something like a car accident. Thats the toughest part of grief in these cases....finding validation and ignoring the insensitive views of the uninformed. I still think of my friend every day and miss the passion he brought to the lives of all of us.
Lisa
2/6/2014 01:08:24 am
I also am a addict in recovery. As i sat he reading your article it brought tears to my eyes, because during my addiction and even now it is very very rare to have someone see us in the compassion that you showed, it touched my heart truly. I have a hard time accepting it as a disease. but wehter or not it is does not matter we are broken and lost souls just trying to find someone to accept us, and love us and maybe even let us know that we matter. It truly is a life of hell and torture for the addict and their families. We hurt others and dont even realize that we are doing so because the addiction has us caught up in hell. looking back i can truly say it is the devil (drugs) it sucks the life right out of you till you are a empty and uncaring shell of a person. Im sorry for your loss but i want you to know it touches me to hear someone truly try to understand us and show love and compassion. today God is my strength and my light let him show you happiness God bless Lisa
Ben
2/6/2014 01:23:47 am
God bless you and keep up the fight. Im sure you have many in your life who need you there!
Renee
2/5/2014 01:52:37 pm
Being the first to know (and/or losing someone) no matter what the circumstances is never easy.
Donna
2/5/2014 02:25:33 pm
Kesley Thank you for sharing your story. I sit here reading this with tears in my eyes.I come from a long list of family that are addicts and I myself have been in the past..Life is hard and us addicts sometimes don't know how to handle it so we get out of reality. Best wishes to you and your family
Barbara
2/5/2014 02:36:51 pm
There is nothing sadder than to watch someone that you love fall into themselves trying to hide from a pain only they know . My brother is a charming , fun loving ,smart ambitious , military vet who has so much to offer yet has a fear I don't understand and only wish I could help take away some of the pain that he has . I don't know how anyone could find humor in a tragedy and just pray for peace in the families of those who know the heartache and pray for understanding in the hearts of the ignorant that they may never know the heartache we share but that they find the grace of God to give compassion to those whose story is much to much for them to bare.
Brian G
2/5/2014 07:53:17 pm
Kelsey, thank you very much for sharing. As a recovering alcoholic, I know the hurt that addiction causes. Not just on the addict himself, but also on those who care about him the most. God bless you. 2/5/2014 08:20:49 pm
What a testimony you are. Thank you for sharing. I also lost my beautiful daughter at 27 yrs old on nov 20 2013. She was loved and cherished by many. AgIn thank you for sharing.
Trael Gentile
2/5/2014 09:22:09 pm
I left the house this morning to go for a walk, There is snow on the ground and it is very cold outside, but walking is necessary for my physical and emotional status. Always when I walk, while listening to music on my headphones, I think of my sons, ages 21 and 16. They are no longer in my life due to the decisions I made when I was using and abusing alcohol and drugs, or when I had put those things away and had no recovery in my life. Always when I walk, I dream about the day I see them and they know who I am as opposed to who I was. I do not go to them now simply because I know that it is not only a matter of putting down the alcohol and drugs. It is about working on a twelve step program and changing my behaviors. I don't know when or even if they will come back into my life, but I do know that I love them with all that I am and if I am ever to have any affect on their lives again, I want it to be for the better, not worse. So on my walk this morning, I cried. I cried because I wondered if my son Jack would ever know how much I love him. If he would ever know that he has, by way of hurting my heart by pushing me out of his life, given to me the gift of desperation. And desperation is a gift, desperate enough to do anything I have to in order to not only stay sober, but to work on my recovery. I wondered if my son Garrett would ever see that I am not the weak woman that he thinks I am. If they will ever see that I am not someone to be embarrassed by, but someone that had the strength and willingness to stand up and take advantage of the opportunities that I was blessed with. So after my walk this morning, I came home and was made aware of this blog. When I read the letter that you wrote, I cried again. What a wonderful gift it is to know that your dad loved you and kept you on his mind. What a wonderful gift it is for you to know that if given the choice he would have lived so fully.
Chris C
2/5/2014 09:46:22 pm
I am truly sorry for your loss, I also am an addict, I suffered from this disease for over ten years watching many good people pass away. The last time I used heroin, I overdosed and my mother just happened to walk in the bathroom and save my life. Since this day I have been sober, attending many programs and meetings and changing my life. Today I am a productive member of society and all, but I am still an addict, just like cancer I am just in remission today, just today. Whenever you are feeling down please just know this was your fathers journey, and now through you he is saving lives. His journey projected through you will touch many people And I too would love for people to understand that addicts do not choose to be addicts we have a disease! Much love ..God Bless
J
2/5/2014 09:46:28 pm
People that have a Drug addiction deserve to die
Kim
2/6/2014 04:56:00 am
I think this comment needs to be removed. This is a very brave story and to come out and say this is very discouraging. Shame on you for spreading hate.
nancy
2/7/2014 10:43:18 am
J shame on you keep your comments of of this page we all understand the struggle I hope you can put your sick comments somewhere else
A sister of a drug addict
2/7/2014 09:08:18 pm
YOU ARE A DISGRACE....YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NEVER HAD AN ADDICT IN YOUR FAMILY, ITS A DISEASE THAT MOST CANT CONTROL AND THAT IS VERY SAD. DON'T BE SO IGNORANT TO THINGS U KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!
bobbie
2/15/2014 09:21:55 pm
J- people who post hate and hide behind the screen of the computer are 1....worse than addicts and nothing but a coward. Stand behind your statement and post your entire name..
Jemi
2/5/2014 10:13:05 pm
This was a difficult article for me to read but I applaud you for writing it. No one truly knows the depth of addiction if you've never experienced it, on any level. I lost my dad on December 26, 2013 to tongue cancer from being an alcoholic. He was 58 years old. On September 4, 2012 he underwent an 11 hour salvage surgery(meaning total tongue and larynx removal) at Norton Hospital to remove a grapefruit size tumor growing at the base of his tongue. He was permanent trachea and feeding tube. He was non-verbal the remaining 15 months of his life. He was a bluegrass and country music singer and that was probably one of the hardest things to see him lose due to his addiction. Even after losing his tongue and voice he still consumed an average of 24 beers per day down his feeding tube among other things, and that continued up until just weeks before his passing. For all that he was and wasn't, he was still my dad that I loved and adored and would have fought a running saw mill over. My brother is a current pill addict that stole pills from my dad during his cancer treatments and during the end stages of his life. When my mom passed away 7 years ago to melanoma, the bottom fell out of both of their addictions...my dad drank more than ever and my brothers patho gambling and pill use spiraled out of control. I have been submersed in addiction for the vast majority of my life and it has been a living nightmare for the most part, but not one that I haven't been able to deal with accordingly. I plan on obtaining a doctorate in behavioral psychotherapy and addiction counseling. I also want to open a non profit organization one day focusing on holistic treatment for addiction. I very much enjoyed the glimpse of your dad that you shared with us.
Alexis
2/5/2014 10:16:29 pm
God bless you and your family. No matter what, he was your Dad.
Mary
2/5/2014 10:30:31 pm
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone like many who have lost someone they so dearly love. Our family lost our youngest son and brother November 30, 2013 only one day before his 25 birthday. Watching our son's struggles over the years to not use I no longer believe that drug addiction is as easy as a choice. Yes I get it, they make the decision to put that needle in their arm but I also believe it's not as easy as saying it's just a choice. For those who knew my son through out the sober living community they will tell you how hard our son worked and wanted recovery, they were blind sighted by our son's genuine honesty. One of the women who is in recovery that runs the SL community text me this week. She spoke so kindly of our son and what kind of person he was and how they were still trying to understand and reconcile the loss. She told me. "It's a daily struggle we as addicts, will have to fight the fight forever. It's hard to explain to someone who has never been there. Although we love our family dearly, we just don't know how to not use. It's a reflex, just like breathing is to others.
Mike
2/5/2014 10:39:29 pm
I recently got to visit with a high school friend whom I hadn't seen in 45 years. He had gone thru drug addiction during his life & survived. He asked how I had avoided such. My reply was "I guess because I believed those teachers in school that said that stuff was dangerous.".
lisa
2/5/2014 10:46:43 pm
My friend sent this to me and I am very appreciative that she did. I have been on the path to find peace for the person who loves the addicted. Both of my parents have had addictions to meth, my fiancé is a recovering heroin addict and I recently lost my dear cousin/brother to a drug overdose in July. My feelings towards each of these individuals are different. For my father, I have always felt nothing but compassion and love. For my fiancé, the feelings I have had towards him for the things that he's done to me has brought out the worst in me i think. Oddly I began to hate drug users, anyone associated with heroin i transferred all my anger from my fiance to them. i despise the sight of spoons, foils, small pupils, so much so that i have a physical reaction to it. i have sought my own treatment with alanon and naranon. i am a therapist also who has specialized in drug/alcohol addiction as a disease. one thing that i have learned throughout my life it is one thing to know and it's quite another thing to experience it. for me, understanding and knowing that addiction is a disease has not made the betrayal, lies, sneakiness, dirty behavior, any easier to handle. i also believe that these feelings are different through the different relationships. for example, my mother in law holds no resentment or anger towards her son, she is his mother, she is so happy he has been sober now for two years. her relationship with him is different than mine and because of that our reactions are different. All to say, I think enough attention is not paid to those who love addicts. it is an extremely painful life, and we are not given any relief, maybe even until that person is sober/clean. i have struggled with this. The attention and treatment is always about them, but what about all of us? watching someone you love slowing die is the worst pain in the world. I feel that we are left behind and we are forgotten. Disease or not…how are we supposed to live and who is here to help us get through it? Who will ever understand that loving an addict takes you to a place of emotional darkness. Addicts are not alone because we suffer there with them, but who suffers with us? true, the life of an addict must be painfully horrible and lonely, but arguably anyone who loves them experiences a pain that is truly indescribable. when they are gone we are left with the guilt, the pain of a tragic life, and the emotional torment of loving someone so much that suffered. sometimes, selfishly, i want to say, enough about them..what about us?
Kristie
2/10/2014 01:29:23 am
There are so many comments here and I was just scrolling through but I stopped to read yours and it was almost like I could have written it myself. My parents aren't addicts but my husband is. I never imagined he and I would have a conversation involving his confession to being addicted to heroin but about 6 months after we were married and 1 month after I turned 30 that's exactly what happened. He was using heroin and crack in some kind of vicious merry go round, his dealer got arrested and he couldn't find more so he started having withdrawals. Many relapses later, he's almost a year sober. I almost left more times than I can count, but I stayed and I'm glad. I completely understand your transfer of anger toward others associated with drugs instead of your fiance. I find myself filled with the same feelings whenever I see certain places or hear specific words. Only one of my friends knows about our history and she still can't understand why we're still together but I've told her and I would tell anyone else who asked that until it's happening to you, you don't know what you'd do in any situation. If you'd asked the "past Kristie" what she would do if her significant other became addicted to heroin, she wouldn't have hesitated to tell you she would have left and never looked back. I said every time that if it happened again, I was done and I'm still here.
Reins Q.
2/5/2014 10:55:07 pm
Thank You for your honest share.
Regina Q.
2/5/2014 10:56:09 pm
Reina Q.
2/5/2014 10:57:30 pm
Thank You for your honest share.
Jackie
2/5/2014 11:45:00 pm
God Bless us all:)
Barbara
2/5/2014 11:46:40 pm
Just because a loved one died of drugs doesn't make you love them any less. The hurt and the pain is still there. This is so true! I lost my precious son at the age of 23 to drugs. He was my heart. He is my first thought when I wake up and my last thought before I go to sleep. I tried to help him in everyway I knew how. When I realized there was nothing more I could do, I gave my son back to the Lord. He gave him to me for 23 wonderful years. I know he is my special angel. I commend this young lady for standing up for her father. No matter what he was he was her father and she loved him no matter what! May God give her the strength she needs to continue telling her story!
Linda M.
2/5/2014 11:47:30 pm
Im sure your Dad is looking down on you and beaming with pride. I also have struggled with my father being an addict. He is the most wondeful man I have ever known and would do anything for anyone, I never let his addiction defy who he is, especially in my eyes.My father has been drug free for many years now, but the pain of seeing someone so close to you, the one person that you look up to, adore and count on to always be there, be controlled by such a powerful substance. It is hard to understand, because like you, I can have an occasional social drink, but never beyond that, I also do not have that desire or need, which made it difficult to understand how anyone could. That comes with time and unfortunately lots of trial and tribulations. Im very sorry you lost your father to such a horrible disease. God Bless
Susie M
2/5/2014 11:58:24 pm
Thank you for writing this.
barbie
2/6/2014 12:24:41 am
Thank you for sharing your story sweet girl. I'm sending you hugs and prayers. you have touched many souls with this letter. I'm sure you've made a difference. I have a daughter your age, I thank God that she will never have to write a letter like this.......I'm so sorry that you have been through so much :(. I am 51 yrs. old and have been a Daddy's girl all my life. He is very old now but he is still with us. Your Daddy would be proud that you took a "bad" thing and saw a silver lining......this letter. May God bless you all of your days as you continue on your journey. Please continue to help others. xxoo Thank you for writing this very beautiful tribute to your father and sharing it with the world. Until I started working with people who fought their drug addicitions on a daily basis, I had no idea about drug addiction. Those very same people became as close to me as any family I could wish for. I cried while reading your story and I hope it reaches many more people..again thank you
Deborah Carmichael
2/12/2014 04:35:52 am
Kelsey, thank you for your heartfelt and honest letter. I, unfortunately have been touched by addiction. My mother is a recovering heroin addict. In my late teens and early 20's I lived with her during her most active addiction. It definitely skewed my life in ways that I have had to heal and work on. Fortunately, she was able to kick drugs and alcohol. She spent 17 years completely clean. She worked as a drug counselor and helped other women stay clean through the 12 Step process. I have benefited from her experience by being able to seek help for myself. I commend you for your courage to speak your truth and pay homage to your father. Addiction is a disease just like any other. Unfortunately, our society looks at it differently and judges it morally. Even within the recovery community heroin addiction is often looked at differently. We who have watched our loved ones in the grip of addiction, know that there is nothing glamorous or poetic about it. My mother became addicted to opiates again because of physical pain and unscrupulous doctors. She almost died last summer because of over medication. Fortunately, because of her previous recovery she was able to decide to go into detox and is now doing much better. My boyfriend is a drug addict in recovery. I share this with you only to let you know that I have loved addicts most of my life. I sympathize with your love for your father and your ability to see him as the fine human being that God created. Not good or bad, just ill. I hope that you are able to use your experience with him for a positive purpose. I hope that you can heal from any sorrow or emotional pain you may be left with. I hope you continue to write and to reach out to others. You have an amazing opportunity to gain strength from your experience and continue to be the wonderful person your father cherished. I don't regret the past or the struggles I've had due to the addiction in my family. However, as a woman of 51, there are things I would do differently if I were still 25. Mainly, I would let go of fear, resentment and anger more readily; I would find love within myself before trying to love someone else; and I would put my education and career first before seeking a partner. I don't know you or your current life's circumstances. Perhaps you are more confident than I was and have a better support system. I only throw out these suggestions because I know that being a daughter of a drug addict often comes with a price. That price can sometimes be low self-esteem. Please take my words in the way they are intended: sincerely and with love.
Nicholas Albano
2/6/2014 01:41:09 am
Hi, my name is Nick and I do battle the disease of addiction every single day of my life. I was spiritually touched by what you had just wrote, your father sounded like an amazing person. At the age of 25 myself I watched my father ruin his life, career on wall street and his family and never could understand why until I realized I have the same exact demons as him we are both suffering from the disease of addiction. I am responding to this just to let u no that this post touched me in a way I cannot describe and I would like to send my prayers out to you and your family and I ask for you and whoever else to pray for me and mine. Not many people do understand why we do this but as you had said it is so true that we are completely powerless to this beast of addiction. Again thank you so much for sharing your story about your dad, and you and your family will remain in my prayers.
Joanne
2/6/2014 01:54:51 am
Thank you for sharing with us-your sincerity and courage shine thru over and over- sincere sympathy to you and your siblings on the loss of your Dad- many people experience mourning the person we love that is addicted to one thing or the other before they actually pass - again thank you
amber dempley
2/6/2014 02:19:02 am
I'm sorry! My dad died of a heroin overdose July 11, 2013
Carrie
2/6/2014 02:35:14 am
Thank you for sharing, this is very moving.
June
2/6/2014 02:41:21 am
I also lost my son, father of 4 &. Beloved by many, many nices . Nephews that love . Miss him so much my heart & prayers are with you & your family
Jessie
2/6/2014 03:05:02 am
I'm terribly sorry for the way you lost your dad. My father has battled alcohol and prescription pain killer addiction on and off ever since I was in middle school, i'm not 26. Practically all of my childhood that I remember are the negative memories. I hope you find peace knowing that you will see him again, but he will be whole, happy and healed from the beast that controlled his life. You did nothing wrong as a daughter. It brought tears to my eyes when you wrote "Even through his struggle and haze, and when I had nothing nice to say to him whatsoever, my dad still went out of his way each time we spoke to tell me that he was proud of me. He bragged, to the point of my own embarrassment, and never faltered when it came to expressing his love". Such truth! Just because they didnt show it all of the time, doesn't mean that we weren't their world. I pray for those husbands, wives, daughters, sons, mothers, and fathers that love an addict. There is hope.
Angelica Traub
2/6/2014 03:37:44 am
Thank you for sharing your story. There are a lot of people suffering out there because of substance abuse and they need to learn from others. Sorry for your loss. Hope you can overcome the pain and seek the word of God for guidance every day of your life. May the Lord Bless you and your family. Angelica
Dawn B
2/6/2014 03:48:08 am
I am blown away by some of the mean spirited, heartless comments some people choose to leave. Wherever happened to, if you can't say something nice or supportive , don't say anything at all. GEEZ. I pray these people who choose to respond in this nasty callous way, don't ever have to feel, 1st hand what this blog so eloquently is written about. Shame on the haters! Grow some empathy!
Cortney
2/6/2014 03:58:54 am
As another daughter of a man who died due to his addiction, thank you for this. It came at an especially poignant and thoughtful time for me, as it was 10 years ago today that we buried him after alcohol abuse stole his life. It is hard for others to understand the combination of love and anger, tenderness and hurt, that can fill us as we learn to deal with each new phase of a loved one's addiction, up to and including this very finalist of phases. Thank you again for giving voice to some of that.
Lori Brantley
2/6/2014 04:35:58 am
This was very touching and it is hard for anyone to understand that hasn't been personally touched by this. I lost my husband in 1999 to cocaine and crack! He was murdered but due to situations he had placed himself in because of drugs. He left behind me (his wife) and two beautiful kids who were 3 and 5. He also was full of life (the life of the party) until he wasn't. I barely recognized the man he was before he died and it took a long time to remember that man! God bless you in your journey!
Catherine
2/6/2014 05:10:57 am
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story ~ because each person that has fallen victim to addiction IS PRESENTLY someone to somebody.
Jeannine
2/6/2014 05:39:55 am
I am so sorry about your dad! I lost my brother 5 yrs ago to heroin. This is a terrible drug that just brings nothing good to very good people. Addiction is a terrible disease. Great letter to raise awareness & to make a tribute to your dad :-)
Lisa
2/6/2014 05:50:48 am
Thank you for your courage in writing this blog. I am sure this will help many people understand addiction.
Charity
2/6/2014 06:06:28 am
Thank you Kelsey, I am sorry for your loss. My father is an active alcoholic. I spent many years anger. But I have learned that he loves me, is proud of me and would do anything for me. It takes the anger away and reminds me to love him. People need to hear your words!! I can't thank you enough. My hope is some day all people know that addiction is not a choice.
Susan
2/6/2014 06:08:00 am
Sadly...I am reading this and trying really hard to feel differently. I sat in a church yesterday and felt confused as to how I was supposed to feel about this person whose funeral I was attending. I heard some stories about what a wonderful person she was. How "selfless" she was. How "the best thing that ever happened" were her children. I somehow couldn't figure out if the people who were talking knew the same person I had encountered over the last few years. Was this "wonderful" "real" person just a long ago figment of their imagination? I have had the true JOY of this heroin addicts children in my company. One young man who has seen more than most people should see in their lifetime. True courage was displayed by these young teen children as they attended their mothers wake and funeral. Yeah...it doesn't get any "real-er" than that. Gripped by addiction. Ok. But I can't think of anything more selfish than the act of a mother who blatantly disregards the welfare of their children. And even on roads to recovery.....fails.....and never lets the "grip" of two wonderful human beings lift her back in to reality. I am not heartless.....not by far.....it has taken every ounce of energy to try and understand....to try and not interfere....and to not pour my love over this child (whom has spent considerable time in my home) who is so deserving of love, and perhaps has never really felt what that is. I would love to understand. But I can't.
Chase
2/6/2014 08:01:12 am
How typical for someone who sits self-righteously in church to have no ability to put herself in someone else's shoes. Addiction is an illness. Have you had any luck telling someone with cancer to will themselves out of it? No? Then until you've lived in that person's shoes and you fully understand the chemical and molecular designs of addiction, keep your head bowed in prayer to your all-loving God and keep your judgment amongst you and your fellow church mice.
Jennifer
2/8/2014 10:07:32 am
And until you yourself have had an addiction you probably won't. Both my parents were addicts and by the grace of God I am not. 2/12/2014 12:40:05 am
Susan, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.....we are ALL flawed.
Anne F.
2/6/2014 06:41:01 am
Thank you for sharing the other side of addiction........we live in a self-righteous culture that moralizes this disease. I have been in Hell, and thanks to AA, have been sober for 8+ years. I refuse to feel guilty for treating my disease one day at a time. I am so sorry for your loss.
Katelyn
2/6/2014 06:45:08 am
Thank you so much for sharing. A friend had shared this on Facebook. Normally, I don't bother to open any articles and actually them through but having such a similar story made me keep reading. I last saw my father when I was six. He lost whatever he had going for him and moved from halfway house to halfway house. He'd write me letters and ask to send him pictures of myself but being so young, I couldn't understand what had happened. Or what a halfway house was. Or what being "clean" meant. Or what "addiction" was. He moved. And I lost all contact with him. As I grew older I desperately yearned to find my dad. Paid for people searches. Nothing. No one can give out information for Halfway houses. Boarding houses. Sober living facilities. All I wanted was to re-meet him. To give him a hug and say "hey, dad. I'm your daughter. I'm 23 now. This is how I turned out." In August of this year, I heard a voicemail on my mothers house phone from the child support office. Knowing my mother hasn't received child support for years, I had that awful feeling I was going to get bad news. I made my mother call immediately. "You're daughter needs to get in tough with the Worcester coroners office." They said. He had passed away. They had no one to identify his body. He had no other family. Next of Kin. That was me. After all these years of searching and wondering, I finally locate him. I finally get to see him. And it's to identify his body. The irony. I was then informed that his death was not natural and that he took his own life. All his belongings were left in his room at the boarding house and were going to be thrown away if nobody claimed them. That was the only closure I could get. I went to the room where he ended it all. And out of the small amount of belongings he had. There was a picture of me. One my mom had sent before we lost contact. He had it blown up and taped to the wall. He thought about me. And saw me every day.
LU
2/6/2014 08:17:47 am
How beautiful and so touching. My heart goes out to you.
mary
2/6/2014 08:28:09 am
Thank you for sharing your,story. It,was moving & heartfelt. You h e courage. Cohesiveness come from accepting your vulnerability. I know many who have bfeen addicted & see the pain it puts,those who love them,through. May you Be blessed& know that your loved one, is watching over you! 2/6/2014 08:37:42 am
RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman. One of the best actors of our time and by all accounts, one of the nicest people in the industry.
jay
2/6/2014 08:44:34 am
recovery is difficult i tried over and over with constant relapse the na or aa fellowship is the only thing that has worked this far but tomorow it could all change because theres no such thing as an ex addict this is what we are until the day we die of or disease or natural causes an addict either way thank you for sharing this the stigma of being an addict needs to change the shame drives people to not seek recovery and its sad very very sad
Jules
2/6/2014 08:44:45 am
Thank you for having the courage to publish this letter. As a family member of an addict your heart weighs heavy and our biggest fear is getting that call.
Susan Williams
2/6/2014 08:45:36 am
Beautifully said, Kelsey. My family has also been touched by addiction and for those of us who have never suffered from addiction, it is very hard to fathom. You gave voice to many of my feelings and experiences, and for that I thank you!
Larisa
2/6/2014 08:55:23 am
Thank you! <3
Antoinette Nucci
2/6/2014 09:02:51 am
Thank you for sharing your story. It was very toughing and my thoughts are with you and your family. xoxo
Sue Copp
2/6/2014 09:04:16 am
We are watching our son battle alcohal addiction. It runs deeply in our family. We had a good talk recently and he told me I dont know why I do this, I hurt everyone that matters to me. I think I will have one and it never stops. I try t numb myself, It doesnt work, than I get so sick when i try to quit I think I am gonna Die. Sometimes I wish I would so I wouldnt hurt my kids anymore. Please keep him in your prayers.
Melissa
2/6/2014 09:45:38 am
Amen! Thank you for putting your words for all to experience. There are so many of us who can not put our thoughts into words as eloquently as you just have.
Kristine
2/6/2014 10:33:05 am
Thank you for this. My father was an alcoholic and I spent my life trying to make sure people knew how much of a loving and caring father he was. It wasn't until his funeral that I saw that everyone already knew that.
Beau
2/6/2014 10:57:38 am
This is an incredible story that has touched me in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this. Your father sounds like an incredible man.
Rachel
2/6/2014 11:12:07 am
Im so glad you have written this! I know all to well what you have gone through from experience.I am 26 and I lost my mother when I was 17 and uncle in 2010 to heroin. Growing up I watched it destroy them. When my uncle passed I had to go to the nursing home and tell my grandfather that he has lost his second child to it. By far the worst thing I have ever had to do. My father also battles with heroin right now also. All I can do is watch and deal with it. It makes me so mad when I see people that should have no opinion on addiction because they don't understand it, say the awful things I see like on Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. I wonder how people can be so cruel and ignorant. Im sorry about your dad he seemed like a great guy despite his demons. I will keep you in my prayers! :)
Caitlin
2/6/2014 11:29:58 am
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this article. I have honestly read it three times tonight since seeing it posted on Facebook and have cried my eyes out each time. At 26 years old I am four (long) months sober from alcohol and benzos. This journey has been the most pain staking process, however, the rewards in this short period of time out way all pain and any high i've ever had. I was raised by an alcoholic mother in an upscale community in Connecticut. For years our family hid my mothers demons until it was simply impossible to do so any longer. I vowed to myself from the age of 15 that my mother was the last person I'd become. And ya know what? I did. However, recognizing that I was becoming a person I didn't want to be I used the tools and resources presented to me to get help. I, like you, ask myself every day if i'm a terrible daughter. What can I do better? How can I help my mom? But the answer simply is I cannot. She can only help herself. I have not spoken with my mom in over two years yet every morning I wake up with a text message from her telling me she loves me and how proud of me she is for overcoming this disease. Something she has had to opportunity to do so, to no avail. I choose not to speak to my mom because it is what I must do to help in my recovery. Addiction does not discriminate. It doesn't matter if you were raised in the suburbs, in the city, one parents or two, hollywood actor or college student. The only thing that matters is that the resources to get help are there. An addict must be willing to change, for themselves, for that however to succeed. You last comment in this article has hit incredibly home for me. "Because each person that has fallen victim to addiction was once someone to somebody." I didn't want to once be someone to somebody. I want to always be someone and I am so thankful I can today say I am. Thank You again. Beautifully written!
Sabrina
2/6/2014 11:39:17 am
I am a former drug addict (narcotics and I say former only because I have successfully taken my drug of choice for medical reasons and completely ignored the impulse to binge) and I currently have a little over 3 years sober. I want to say thank you. There are few people who realize what it's really like. If I hadn't gotten pregnant with my daughter I would probably still be on the streets, starving myself because all my money was going to drugs, or worse. Even with my growing belly as a daily reminder of why I was getting sober, it was by far the hardest thing I've ever done! I applaud anyone with the strength to beat addiction.
Dawn B
2/6/2014 11:46:28 am
It's ashamed that some are so rude. I believe genetics play a huge part in our lives and what we end up being afflicted with. It's no accident that auto-immune disease, addiction and cancer has taken more family members more than a few times. Until someone ACTUALLY walks a mile in my shoes, rude comments have no place here. I would love to see all the negative comments deleted, enough already, with the haters. There's nothing cavalier about disease and death.
Matt
2/6/2014 01:07:24 pm
I know what your Dad was going thru..I myself am a addict..And I will never be the guy I used to be..I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy..I wake up every day sick..I wish I could turn back time so this would have never happened to me..So sorry
Phoebe Verkouw
2/6/2014 01:55:21 pm
Thank you for sharing this. Your story touched me to the core. I too lost my father to addiction. It took me years to finally realize that he was sick with the disease of alcoholism and that he was absolutely powerless over it. He wasn't a bad person, he was sick. Not everyone starts off addicted, they start off as good people, and even in the midst of addiction they still are human. It's always hard to explain to others that addiction is real. Your story really brought light to the other side of it, thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss. You touched my life tonight. Thank you.
Cherie Black
2/6/2014 02:26:39 pm
I'm commenting before I've even completed reading the letter. This may be the beginning of my miracle..... I've prayed for understanding of the disease of addiction. Its real, it's painful... horribly painful..... oft times ending in death. It's critical and real.... sad so little attention given to this horrible disease. Hope mingled with faith may save my loved one. I know it's real...I know it hurts....I know it kills.... even and mostly those who observes its affect on you and those whom love you. Thanks for this gift you shared.... its my springboard to help!!!! Bless you as this pain and grief drives you to help others. Hollywood is riddled with this disease..... so many too blind to see with eyes wide open. Ppl are crying.... are we listening.....?
Len spearing
2/6/2014 05:30:31 pm
I'm an addict and I have 4 kids and this disease has taken everything from me as close to death as IDE like to see for the next 50 yrs and it's in the process of taking my wife and potentially my kids and we as addicts need to stop blaming the disease and start taking r
Len spearing
2/6/2014 05:32:44 pm
Responsibilitiy for our actions as addicts because it's not what we do it's who we harm that truly matters thanks for allowing comments. maybe he fucking liked it, though. and maybe i am hurtful and influenced by the legal drugs. fml. nice story babe. enjoy your suffering. We are here for, whatever. Love for you, feel for us. sorry-ish but happy that 100% are going to die <3
Cecila
2/17/2014 04:43:04 am
I really don't understand Ktal why you have to take such a personal story (not just from the writer but also the readers and responders), and such a helpful site and just bash everyone. You have no idea the life that I (an addict who has been sober for 2 years), and the others that personally know an addict have gone through. Although what you said made me mad, I felt sorry for you. You're the one I pity, because you are so close minded and so selfish to realize the things and issues others are going through and deal with every single day of their lives. My wish is that one day you'll really educate yourself on this matter and this disease and come to a different realization and opinion.
Courtney
2/6/2014 07:19:56 pm
You are such a strong and beautiful person! I thank you so much for your courage and fr your truth! I'm currently dealing w my husbands addiction, something I don't really know anything about other then what you see on intervention. Everyone keeps saying, there's nothing you can do for him. Absolutely nothing. But I also believe in God! The almighty King who is more real than this world knows. And I believe your dad is in heaven and he had to go because he knows You, he knows your heart and that you would do such as thing as right a letter like you have. He always works for goodneSs even if all we can see is dark and bad. I thank you for all of you, for God has used you to help me and I'm sure so many others. I pray for peace to consume from the inside out from all of this! Knowing that your dad has given you yet another purpose! Blessings to you sweet spirit!
John
2/6/2014 09:04:13 pm
I am truly sorry for your loss. Don't listen to all the crap people write on the web and facebook. I hope your father's mind was at peace in his final moments and I hope you find peace.
Jodi
2/6/2014 09:04:51 pm
You have said what many people should say and don't. Thank you and God bless you.
Shauna
2/6/2014 09:37:06 pm
I also wanna thank u for sharing Kelsy... This was very powerful and touching to me... I am a recovering addict and been clean for 3 years and 8 months and I lost my daddy to a heroine overdose.... This crap is killing ppl daily and I sometimes wish that I would've did things differently myself but I can say that going thru everything that I've went thru has made me the strong and independent mother that I am today. I never want my children to experience the Hirt and pain that I felt when I lost my daddy to this devilish disease and yes I said devil! It's scary and dangerous but I will continue to fight everyday for my sobriety and to only he better everyday! U t a very strong woman and I really cried when I read ur story... In under Shauna Jon on Facebook anytime u would like to look me up and talk! Continue spreading the word of ur father because today, u can make a difference and u can save lives with the story of u daddy and I think that's what he would want u to do... Addiction is something that's very to understand if u haven't suffered it urself but considering ur situation, I feel that u understand. Try to stay strong babe and don't let ur daddy be forgotten in ur community, regardless if what took him from u, he was still an awesome man for having u! Stand up and fight for what's right, even if ur standing up and fighting alone!!!
M
2/6/2014 09:52:46 pm
Thank you.
Jennifer Reeves
2/6/2014 10:12:16 pm
I commend you for standing up for your father this way. I was an addict to one substance or another for over twenty years, and just by the grace of God I got clean and sober, and have been clean and sober for five years. I put my daughters, and family through hell, they loved me even still, but could NOT understand why I just couldn't quit. I heard many times just quit, what is so hard about that. Addiction is something that takes over your whole being (mind, body, soul,) you want to quit, you even hate yourself for having to have it, but you CAN'T stop until you hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is where you've lost everything (family, friends, home, job, place to stay, and even the will to live sometimes.) When you've hit that point, and people all the people in your life stop enabling, and you find that ONE person that wants to HELP NOT ENABLE but help then and only then can you find the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope one day to be brave enough to share my entire story.
Amie
2/6/2014 10:37:24 pm
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hardly ever leave remarks to people I do not know, but I too lost my father in September, way too early, to addiction. I sometimes forget that he is gone, because my anger lead me to estrange him for the years before he passed. One of the first things that was recovered from his last belongings was a picture of us as he lead me down the aisle on my wedding day. He will always be my dad. Sending you strength.
Cassandra
2/6/2014 10:49:18 pm
Thank you for sharing this. Many people cannot understand what it's like to love someone with an addiction. Both of my parents struggle with it, and although I've come to understand their disease a little more, it is still hard not to think "why don't they just stop?" What people don't realize is that it could happen to anyone. Dying of a drug addiction does not make the person's death any less heartbreaking than that of someone else. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
c.j
2/6/2014 11:34:30 pm
hugz, just……hugz
rob sparks
2/6/2014 11:43:04 pm
Laurie Brownlee Chilton
2/6/2014 11:58:46 pm
I went to high school with your Dad (your aunt J. and I were friends) Kelsey, and remember him as a talented, handsome and sweet . ( I think he even dated my older sis!) love and prayers for you, brave girl. Beautiful tribute for all touched by this tragedy.
Stacy
2/7/2014 12:21:41 am
Beautifully said. It brought me to tears. Wishing you & your family love & peace.
rose
2/7/2014 01:31:45 am
Thank you for this post. My boyfriend died in August after struggling many years with herion and pill addiction. Nevering had to deal with addiction myself i struggled to understand what drove his addiction and would rail at him over it. In August he took his own life. Your post has helped me to better understand his struggle and deal with my own feelings of guilt. I lost my brother 17 years ago and I have a son who struggles with this addiction. He has 3 beautiful children ages 8,6, 7 months old. I worry that I too will get that call that my son died from a overdose. I have seen him at his worst and to have to watch him sleep on the streets and say no to let him in my house to eat or shower because he would steal something so he can get more drugs. See him go to Prision because of the things he did when he was using. But felt he was safer in there then on the streets and we all could breath better then. But he would get out and do fine for awhile and relapse and then it would start all over again. We joined groups that other people were going through what we were. Just to find out that are world wasn't the only crazy one. I know my son loves his family very much and doesn't want this life he has but I can't change that for him. It breaks my heart everyday. I miss my brother everyday too. But like you I am proud I had and have them in my life and I am happy they are and what few good memories I have those are the ones I hold on to everyday. So you are not alone and as I tell my grandchildren and my niece that their Fathers loved them a lot and misses not being in their life's but that deep down in their hearts you are the only one thing they did right.
Lauren
2/7/2014 03:51:54 am
I'm so sorry for your loss but am really glad you wrote this (and how beautifully written it is). Since Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death, I have too heard a lot of the same ignorant comments and think how can people really feel this way? People with addiction do not ask for it and struggle their entire lives as well as the people around them.
Kimberlee (Mullaney) Flaherty
2/7/2014 04:33:42 am
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS. I'm typing through tears as I write this reply. It's as if you were telling my story. My dad did not die of an overdose, but committed suicide while high on crystal meth. I was around the same age as you when it happened, and he was around the same age as your dad. He'd suffered my entire life with depression and addiction. Many detoxes and attempts to stay sober failed. I was so angry with him for the last couple years of his life, because I could never get through to him, he didn't return my calls. I was his only child, and he treated me as though the sun rose and set on me. I love me father, I miss him daily, I've overcome the embarassment of the explanation of his death. When people ask me how my father died, I usually start by saying, I'm not embarassed by this, and I'm ok with talking about it, as long as you are ok with it and don't mind that there might be tears.
Tiffany
2/7/2014 05:19:11 am
I was deeply touched when I read this. Not only as a recovering addict with 3 years clean on the 11th of this month, but as a daughter myself with a father who has struggled with addiction for 30+ years now. I know, and feel your pain. Many times throughout my life when the thought of my father crossed my mind came a feeling of being disgusted with how a man can leave 3 young children to live "that life"... Until it was me living it. My father is awaiting to be deported in a few weeks back to Portugal, truly I did not think I would be able to see him before he left, but reading this, only leaves me with the option of closure. Thank you for writing this, my hope is the numerous amounts of uneducated people on addiction can learn something today. That we all are worth respecting, and a chance to be understood.. The fact of the matter is, whether we are an addict or not, we all know someone who is suffering with this hushed plague. My prayers go out for you and all the still suffering addicts and families, all anyone needs is a mustard seed of hope, and someone to believe in you to find a new way of life. God bless. Thanks for sharing. My husband died last year, He was an alcohlic. I knew he loved me but his disease controlled his life. We were separated for a year and a half before he passed. He had been to rehab twice and went right back to drinking which broke my heart and my children's heart. Your story really hit home. Those who don't live with addicts just can't understand the struggles they go though. I loved him up until the day he died. I feel that he is at peace now. Thanks again for sharing and I am sorry for your loss.
maureen
2/7/2014 07:54:04 am
Thank you for the courage you had to write this beautiful letter. I know 2 wonderful people who are working every day to overcome their addiction to heroin . My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I hope you never forget the wonderful man your father was before this horrible disease took over his life.
Beth
2/7/2014 07:56:05 am
My story is similar to this, my dad was my hero and protector the strongest man i knew, he lost his battle with addiction in 2010. Thanks for sharing this <3
A scared mom
2/7/2014 08:26:13 am
Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is 27 years old & is a heroin addict. This has destroyed our family. Our lives are changed forever, I live everyday in fear of that phone call. I pray that you have peace. I wish there were an easy fix to this horrific addiction.
Theresa
2/7/2014 08:34:29 am
What a beautiful tribute. I'm sure your father is very proud and honored, watching from Heaven. Thank you for sharing.
Sidda
2/7/2014 09:12:06 am
"For addicts, there is never a choice to be made." - I have to disagree with this statement as there is always a choice for recovery. If there were no choice then none would recover and recovery does happen and is so possible for all!
Antakya
2/8/2014 06:52:52 am
YES
Tillie
2/7/2014 09:39:25 am
Thank you , I share this in the hope that people will understand. My husband killed himself after long suffering from addiction. I have three boys one of with is now struggling with his own addiction. Addicts are people with a disease and need help and support to overcome
Brian
2/7/2014 09:49:48 am
We all have our own prison. Trust in Hope, Faith, and Love that is why God gave us those gift's. You do not have to believe in God. He believes in You. That is the Glory of it.
Dre
2/7/2014 09:58:11 am
For the most part, this is a well written article. However first - it's not a disease! Addition, and I know what it's like fighting addition everyday, is a choice. I know what it's like to have my brain tell me, GIVE ME MORE!!! I WANT MORE!! I know this, I know what it's like to succumb to this. I also know that I don't have to start. And starting is a choice. It's simple every day I make a choice to open a door to darkness or to not. It's as simple as that. I know what happens when I make these choices.
terri
2/7/2014 10:13:12 am
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so for the loss of your dad. I work in treatment and have been somewhat shocked by how stupid people are about the largest public health crisis facing our country today. The comments about Phillip Hoffman are incredible and you are right...all addicts and alcoholics were somebody to someone before their disease took over. Addiction continues to be moralized even with tons of SCIENCE that it is a brain disease. Recovery is possible though--
missy
2/7/2014 10:20:25 am
I lost 2 brother to this disease...it never gets easier one brother started when the girl he was seeing offered him something b/c he completed his probation my other brother started b/c of a back injury years before had worn on him so much that the pain meds were no longer working so he turned to heroin... those who say addicts deserve to die remember that the next time you "just have to have that cigarette or soda or beer" b/c you too are an addict... those who say its a choice to put that needle in your arm remember that when you take that drag or sip b/c you too had a choice and did it anyways for those who say oh man s/he died in their underware, their place was a mess or that they were in what ever position...know that they never think that last hit was going to be their last or that hit was laced with something 100x's stronger then what they are used to...
Barbara Mulligan
2/7/2014 10:46:35 am
This is beautiful...my son died Aug 9,2005. He was all alone. He hated being alone. Addiction hurts and confuses all who are involved. Thank you for this. A Mom who misses her son everyday
Judith B
2/7/2014 10:46:57 am
My beautiful nephew died from an accidental overdose 2 months ago tomorrow. He was 25 and a huge life force. I miss him and love him.
Mike
2/7/2014 11:25:42 am
I'm truly sorry 4 your loss & i appreciate your courage to share your story. I'm a person in long term recover, which means 4 me, i have not had a drink drug or substitute since January 24th 2009. I know the stigma associated with this disease all to well. Please look 4 the documentary "The Anonymous People", help raise awareness & put an end to the stigma.
Rebecca
2/7/2014 11:40:03 am
The Coleman Institute . Research them for options that helped our son. Following prison we found a road to recovery that fit. Thank you all for sharing your strengths and courage.
Lisa
2/7/2014 11:42:23 am
My father passed away June 2nd 2008 after a long battle with addiction. This article hit home..hard. My dad was the absolute best. He loved his family unconditionally, especially me, his daughter. My father fell and broke his leg at work back in 96. The compound fracture led him to develop RSDS, which controls the whole nervous system and basically tells the brain, the leg was still broken. The pain is so serve 90percent of people who have it, end up committing suicide. He was on pain medications for years and years. Eventually I guess he became so accustomed to them, they weren't helping, so he turned to heroin. The morning of June 2nd, my parents woke up to go to one of his many doctors visits, he kept yelling at my mother that he didn't want to go, he wasn't feeling good. A minute later, that was it, massive heart attack, just two weeks after my second child was born. My daddy was my best friend. He was a smart, funny, loving, hard working family man. I hurt everyday knowing I will never be able to see his smile. Knowing that my children are growing up without him here. Sometimes I'm understanding about it, other times I think he was so selfish. He will never know the joy of having his grandchildren call him "pop pop, or meet my boyfriend of 5yrs. He won't walk me down the aisle. He didn't saw me graduate from college, or my brother from high school.... 2/7/2014 12:05:53 pm
Bravo to you! You are a brave soul and I applaud you for speaking your peace and for speaking up for your father. Everyone has something that needs healing but their wounds aren't as obvious as an addict's wounds.
Darlene Robinson
2/7/2014 12:46:21 pm
So sorry for your lost. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my little brother July 9 2013 to a heroin overdose.
lee hunter
2/7/2014 01:52:50 pm
Ppeople don't relize by turning there. Backs. On family and friends. Because of an addiction all they are doing is taking all there tools of sobriety. Away.
Danny
2/7/2014 04:18:20 pm
Im a 31 year old opioid dependant male.I got an oxycontin addiction when I was 17.It got worse and turned into heroin snorting then shooting.My family has pretty much disowned me.The one person that helps make sure im not homeless is good old mom.I get sediment and she helps w the extra money needed for rent and methadone maintenance.She has read alot and knows its extremely hard to get off of but still does not understand when an addict is sick they only care about feeling better.No food , panned items, stealing, lying, it is horrible and I can speak for alot I believe when I say addicts don't want to resort to those things but do out of desperation and there is a constant fight in the head w the addiction and the true person.I wasted over a decade of my life .Im 31 and have younger cousins going to college and having kids and I get so frustrated feeling hopeless.My mother can say some really mean stuff to me like *I wish you were never born*-thats the behavior of my addiction she is yelling at not her son.She is getting older and just had surgery and I need to get help and move on w my life.Addicts are some of the nicest funniest and generous loving people alive.I really want to thank everyone who posted on here. Also hopefully the country will be able to medically treat people w ibogaine*(look it up if u haven't found out or heard of this, it really is helpful for withdrawal and changing lives, one has to work at a different life and be prepared for any cravings or triggers after the treatment)
Nastia
2/7/2014 07:19:01 pm
I think you have a great potential from the words I've read,, but I'd also like to take you to task for a few things u said.. If you'll let me know your email address, or your fb name, then I could find your name & let you know what's what :-) .. Btw, I do agree addicts are very smart, funny, and (many times) Kind.. but they are too scared, No Addict believes they're anything great & it is in their nature to hurt people (not because they want to, Only because they can't really think about anyone but themselves) & how shitty they believe themselves to be.. although everyone else sees the betterment in people
Mom
2/8/2014 02:26:49 am
I love you son.....................
Nastia
2/7/2014 06:52:01 pm
You are an amazing writer. Thank You for your understanding, your compassion, your generous love. I have been a heroin addict, but I am only your age. Amazingly, the only person who knew my true addiction, is the same person who forwarded your blog to me. Just like you, she is so very loving and amazing, but has never had this affliction/addiction herself. I can not even remember the last time I did heroin. It has to be over 4 years.. but it has been the "love" of my life.. As much as I have demonized it (because that's what I HAD to do, to get Away from it), it will always be able to get a pit in my stomach that loves part of it and HATES it at the same time. I cried through your entire blog.. my amazing best friend (shared your blog on fb) you seem to be so smart.. so caring, that even though u will never agree with something that hurts ppl you love, you will always be there for them .. Thank You For Your Story.. God Bless You
Eric Conover
2/7/2014 10:44:19 pm
There are those of us who have brought ourselves back from the brink of addiction's precipice (with God's help) living with the shame of the loss of both dignity and what might have been. We know of no way to tell those we love what transpired. And still, we keep going, one day at a time.
Chloe
2/7/2014 11:18:04 pm
I admire your strength and courage it took to write this peice. You have an amazing way with words and you are able to put the blunt honesty in such a way that is beautiful, emotional and SO needed in our society. With addiction in my family, this story gave me hope and made me believe that it's ok to love that person even if you don't agree with their choices.
Amie
2/7/2014 11:21:39 pm
My daughter lost her dad from a heroine overdose when she was 14....I don't quite (and maybe never will) know the pain...but yes, it is something that some of us will never know or understand...The 10 year mark just passed and I'm still sad over his passing and I always will be...
I want to thank you for having the courage to write this and I am so very sorry for your pain. It is through my tears I write this to you....
Bill Stratton
2/8/2014 12:14:09 am
Thank you Kelsey Westbrook from all of us who have shared this experience. Sometimes the phrase "words cannot express .." is just wrong. Your words do express it .. exactly .. precisely .. and reverently. You speak it for all of us. thank you again.
Denise
2/8/2014 12:45:39 am
Thank you Kelsey for this blog: Remember that your Dad's love for you and your family was never lost, as you know He was Lost in the Addiction 2/8/2014 12:52:50 am
Your words have touched me deeply. My 26-year old son is a recovering drug and alcohol abuser and has been sober for almost 3 years. For a long time I was in denial about what was happening. He and his girlfriend had a new baby and he continued to work even as his addiction took stronger hold on his life. I thank God every day he sought help. He still works at the same job and is a wonderful father to my now 3-year old granddaughter. But I am always aware that his addiction is there waiting like a sleeping beast. I am glad you remember your father as the man he was before the disease overwhelmed him. It's all too easy to forget the person; the father, the son, the brother, and see only the addict. Good for you for remembering the good father.
Andy
2/8/2014 01:15:12 am
Thank you...You have helped me....My Prayers for you and your family..Addiction is real
Paul F
2/8/2014 01:30:38 am
The disease doesn't discriminate, only people do.
jef correia
2/8/2014 01:33:16 am
I am a recovering opiate addict . I have two daughters ,they are still very young my youngest will be 25 when I reach 53 . This could easily be my story someday . I am very lucky . I am so sorry for your loss . I cannot stop crying . No one will ever understand how hard it is to be an addict or that you are still human and you still love everyone . No one can grasp the helplessness that comes with it. I have lost so many friends . Thank you for sharing your story . I will share it as well . Hopefully someday people will see it differently .
Kathleen
2/8/2014 01:57:46 am
I know what addiction can lead to. It can manifest itself in many forms. My father was an alcoholic who finally was able to walk away, but not before his body had been damaged. I lost a cousin to street drugs. However, I wanted to share that mental illness leaves families as upset & lost as taking damaging substances. The person who refuses to takes his/her medication experiences all the destruction of their lives & the absolute helplessness of those family & friends who care.
Jessica F
2/8/2014 02:25:21 am
This has brought tears, emotions that i cant even explain.....Your words have touch me like never before. My father suffered also my entire life with this heartbreaking, life ending sad disease. A few years back i lost my father to Heroin, or shouold i say the outcome of it.
R.A.
2/8/2014 02:46:41 am
Every time somebody speaks up and out about personal contact with addiction, the weave between those who are trying to recover gets stronger. Thank you, Kelsey, for sharing your story. I hope you derive strength and encouragement every day from your father's spirit, which even his addiction could not and did not destroy.
Dave
2/8/2014 03:23:33 am
Thanks, I am 20 years sober and my kids were 3 and 5 when that happened, now I am going to be a grandpa and my granddaughter will never have to see me drunk!! And that is all because of the grace of God!!!
Kevin C.
2/8/2014 03:27:19 am
Addiction is real, and the dangers don't just stem from heroin or crack... any substance that alters your mind can be addictive. I am a 19 year old who has been struggling with an OTC cough medicine addiction since I was 14. Even after witnessing my cousin commit suicide from a life of drugs it couldn't stop me. It has affected everybody who ever cared about me in more ways than a few. And the addict will know when he is losing the battle with addiction, I have come close to dying many times, but yet even the sight of the afterlife isnt enough to break the chains of the disease. I've been through 4 inpatient rehabs, and been to countless meetings, I don't even like using anymore but yet I still have to, if there is a cure for addiction i'll be the first to buy it.
Paula
2/8/2014 04:08:39 am
What an awesome tribute to your father and many of us who have suffered from addiction! Thank you!!
KAR
2/8/2014 05:00:45 am
A touching writing from the other side of the fence. Having been on both sides I will say I found support through Al-Anon meetings. Try at least 6 - you won't be disappointed.You will find a lifetime of support and personal recovery from the effects of addiction in your life.
Jodie
2/8/2014 07:10:44 am
Me and my husband have been fighting and on and off pain pill habit, from vicoden to methandone, anything to keep withdrawls away. This has been almost 4 yrs..being completely ashamed when I look in the mirror would be an understatement. Do I know why I am here now..yes! Having my mom walk away from me and my sisters when we were young and popping in and out of our lives for years. I suppose her refusing to talk about it with us as adults hurts more. My oldest sister is an alcoholic who protects our mom and my little sister smokes alot of pot and tries to downplay all of it. Other than smoking weed on and off since I was 16, I've only dabbled with other things and could always turn my back and put things down no problem. Pills are the exception and my weakness. We will buy a few suboxens or get some methadones, but always go back. The one time I tried to tell someone in my family, my youngest sister, she got mad at me and stopped speaking to me. It hurt alot, but repaired itself and we've never discussed it again. My relationship with anyone else in my family is hit or miss, never what I would call loving or supportive. My dad and his wife don't live near us, so they really don't know any of it. Not having what I would consider supportive and loving relationships with anyone in my family hurts and a quick snort makes me not care. I have my husband who I know loves me and will have my back. I'm very judged by my family and it hurts. I'd rather not work at relationships with people that only half listen to me when we do talk. I've seen my family have dinners and not invite me, my hubby and kids. Not because they know about my secret, because they don't. Its because I will call them out when they hurt me, something nobody in my family handles well. I have 3 children all who have no clue what we do, but also who are so loved and get so much attention and who never go without. My husbands family does support out habit, unwillingly and unknowingly. We are so ashamed of this and try and want to quit. My fears...losing my kids despite their needs being met. I'm not disillusioned about this, but that would simply destroy me. So every day we will get thru another day together and yes after almost 12 yrs, I know my husband loves me and I pray daily and sometimes hourly that we will beat this together and get back to where we were before we decided one pill wouldn't hurt....
Jaye
2/8/2014 07:28:09 am
You are a very special person. I am very sorry for your loss. While I don't claim to know how you feel, I did have two cousins and a brother in law that were addicts and that's not who they were, it's what happened to them. They were all beautiful souls, with big hearts, and so much to give the world. They were just sick, like any other illness. I heard a few comments about PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN and it made me feel very sorry for the people who made them. They are ignorant and self righteous. There but for the grace of God go I. I hope that someday they realize that and the words they spoke and make it right. I pray no one has to deal with a loved one who suffers from this illness. Prayers to you and your family. May God watch over you all.
Dayna Morgan Menard
2/8/2014 07:35:15 am
Hello Kelsey, I've come across your blog and this specific article through one of my friends on FB sharing this very blog. I wanted to take the time to personally write to you, I know you probably have a lot of replies on here and do not have the time to read or respond to them - but I am hoping that you will see this and take the time to read it. I just wanted to say that I am a recovering addict (heroin) and my own father was an addict as well (mainly alcohol, but in his earlier years crack and cocaine as well as the alcohol) - I grew up and realized that my family life was not normal, my dad could never keep a job long enough for us to be financially stable, and I also went through verbal and physical abuse due to his lack of coherence and his mental illness - I also think that he was manic-depressive bi-polar. Regardless, this past year my parents got divorced, a few months later, my father went to jail for his 3rd OUI (in his life) and was kept there longer because he violated a restraining order (which was placed on him by my sister and my mother) by simply saying something which he wasn't going to act on but said out of anger. He spent the last 6 months of his life in jail. He got out on the 21st of November and I was stressed out and stopped replying to his letters (which he sent almost everyday) because I was avoiding the issue and thought I needed time to heal myself (I had just got clean that year in March 2013). He called me on the 22nd and said he was out and he wanted to see me. I told him I would come to see him soon. It was Thanksgiving and I went to an early dinner with my boyfriend, and his grandparents and mother. We went back to his house and I spoke with my father and I told him I would try to make it out to his hotel.. My father called me a few more times that day but I ignored it. I finally picked up the phone later that night while my boyfriend and I were at the movies and after the movies we went to the mall for some black friday shopping... I was planning on going to see my dad at his hotel after shopping... While we were shopping, I got a call from my dads gf and she told me my dad wasnt breathing and they were taking him to the hospital. I never believed her. Because she had made things up prior to this and sometimes they would make things up so I would answer them. But they weren't kidding. I continued to shop and then she called again and told me my dad was dead already.I didn't believe her. We were already on our way to the hospital from the mall at this point, and we got there as fast as we could but it was too late. I didnt get to say goodbye to him. I ran in with my boyfriend and they told me to come with them so we did, and then they had us wait in a waiting room and someone else came in and said that the priest was there and they were doing last rights if i wanted to join them. So we went in and I saw my father lying there lifeless, his lips purple and his face discolored. He looked like he'd been dead for hours. We said last rights and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't even cry. Not one tear drop came to my eyes. I had to call my mother and let her know that he was dead. The worst part was that he died in the early morning hours of my sister's 18th birthday. My mother had to tell her the next morning. I feel awful for my mother and sister because they didn't talk to my dad since before he went to jail and they both expressed how much they "hated" him and didn't want him to be apart of their lives. I resent my mother and sister for making him spend his last months of his life in jail and all while he was in there, they acted like he was already dead to them. I'm not saying they don't have a right to grieve.. But I can't help feeling like it's their fault that he's gone. For weeks, I couldn't cry. I didn't even shed a tear during his funeral or calling hours. I was numb. Shocked and numb. And then came anger! A LOT of it. Anger at my father for leaving me. Anger at my mother and sister for "making" him die. And anger at God for taking him away from me so early when I needed more time with him. Then came depression. I layed in bed for weeks. Not doing anything. I still think about him all of the time. Everything reminds me of him and our memories we shared. I'm sick of trying to be strong. I'm not as strong as God must think I am because I feel like I've been through too much for such a young person (I'm 22) and even though my father put me through hell, he is still my father and I love him. I know he loved me too, I know he was proud of me. He always used to say how "you guys (my sister & I) are the best things I've ever done". I know he loved me with everything he had and he would've laid his life down for me or killed someone for me. He would do anything. He always gave me everything he could. He did his best with what he had. He went through a lot of shit during his life and I guess the stress of it all killed him. He told me in one of his letters from jail, that he did
Cathy
2/8/2014 08:40:05 am
You are a strong lady reaching out to others of us that are hurting because someone we love is an addict. If you touch just one person, you have made a difference. Thank you for your story. God bless
Michelle
2/8/2014 09:01:28 am
My 35 year son died this year of heroin overdose it was such a great loss of a such a sweet soul. His last day was just to find and buy heroin so sad. Bless everyone touched by this horrible addiction.
John
2/8/2014 09:51:21 am
Just wanted to say thank you for your level head and lack of a holier than thou attitude toward the situation. I left the Louisville area for Brooklyn over a year ago in order to get rid of my own addiction to opiates. If you know anyone else dealing with this please turn them on to kratom. It has kept me away from boozing to deal with post acute withdrawal syndrome and made my overall quality of life much better. You can overdose on it, but you will not die from it. Just have an unpleasant couple of hours. It is much cheaper and safer than methadone or suboxone. Once again, thank you, and good luck.
Susan
2/8/2014 10:24:49 am
I am so sorry for your loss, Kelsey, and for the terrible losses so many of you have had, to the very same heartbreaking and pitiless MONSTER. I know some of this horrid pain--two close members of my family were claimed in their 30's by drug overdose--our family was shattered into a million pieces. But even with that, I feel I must say this...and I fear I will draw much anger, but I will say it anyway...this habit can be BEAT. This Dragon can be SLAIN!! The lowest, the most addicted, the closest to death...can become WELL. I have lived this too, I have seen it with my own eyes, I see it still, every day. Do not accuse me of "not understanding". Very few people on this forum "understand" more about addiction than I do...and that is why I MUST tell you that it is NOT unconquerable!!! I am distressed that anyone reading this believes heroin addiction is an automatic death sentence; that all is lost and once in the clutches, you are doomed, you are DEAD. This is a lie!! There are hundreds of thousands of people who have broken the chains of drug addiction--and have lived, and are living, to a wonderfully happy ripe old age. Two of my children were heavily addicted...as much and more as what has been described above. Both of them determined they wanted to be free...and after ten circles of Hell and indescribable amounts of agony and COURAGE, they have both been clean for over 20 years...they are now wonderful parents with the best spouses ever. They have great kids and great lives...they went back to school and earned their master's degrees, and they both have good jobs, and most of all, they are happy and FREE. Do not be deceived! YOU CAN BEAT THIS! Please do not listen to the "oh the poor thing couldn't beat it, what a tragedy"...it doesn't have to happen! You can fight, you can be brave, you can walk out of this...I know you CAN.
Charlie W
2/8/2014 10:48:59 am
Thank you. I know this pain and powerlessness 2/8/2014 12:06:44 pm
Thank you so much for this. I hope someday you come across this reply. My last name is Westbrook to and I have been touched by addiction all my life. I just lost my best friend to pills all my family has taken to vices. My dad is so similar to how you wrote about yours. This means a lot and your voice is strong. Please keep fighting for addiction and making it it a fact that they are powerless and they are human beings. Reach out if you'd ever like to talk. Thanks again
Stephen
2/8/2014 03:08:51 pm
Thank you! I don't know what else to say but thank you. My family still struggles to see what I have battled, and I don;t think I can ever make them see how difficult it was living in addiction and is to be clean and living recovery now. The only one that notices the change to the greatest extent is my son, he is 11, and barely knows what has happened, only that I am different and there again. I am 27, and in less then 20 days will be celebrating 2 years in recovery, 2 years clean and sober, 2 years of a new life where I never have to pick up again. I may not know you father, but I know what he faced, and I will remember him as you have described him. Please know you and he are in my thoughts, thank you for this.
Leisl
2/8/2014 03:36:15 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. Your Father sounds like an amazing man before he succumbed to what is indeed a disease no less real then cancer. I do not understand people who have no compassion.
Jennifer
2/8/2014 04:06:39 pm
Thank you so much for writing this....it moved me beyond words....just tears. I have been clean from heroin for a little over two years. I am so glad that you acknowledge your fathers disease did not reflect his love for you. I have two small beautiful little boys....and I turned their worlds upside down during my darkest hours of my addiction....jail, countless rehabs, and worse when no one knew where I was! I love my children just the same as "normal" parents....and still was capable of hurting them more than I will ever know....if that is not sick or a disease I don't know what is!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing such a personal and painful piece of your life with us......your father, wherever
Jennifer
2/8/2014 04:10:33 pm
He may be, must be very proud that you are raising awareness for the disease that he truly did suffer from, and so many of us continue to while in active addiction .......lots of love sent to you and your family!!!!!!!!
Terry Cutone
2/8/2014 05:02:22 pm
Thank you for sharing. I lost my brother to an overdose when I was 25 and can really relate to your story. It took me years to finally cope with it fully. The pain and the depression of the inciddent put me right in the face of addiction and a life of pills and heroin was born. The brief relief that I got from getting high is what kept me going and also the fact that I might not wake up one day and my miserable life. Without all the details i ruined my life and put a severe impact on those around me. Because of a loving supporting set of parents i was able to start repairing my life. It takes an uncredible amount of love and support from family to make things proper for recovery. Some times life just br
Diana
2/8/2014 08:47:27 pm
I am so grateful to be a recovering addict, i have struggled with addiction for 30 yr, and now the struggle is gone, I am clean, and have been for over 17yrs now, and i am very grateful for my life today, I can't see going back to that way of life. Even if i am going through hard times, i don't need to use over it. So sad when we lose someone to this decease. prayers going up for all.
Scott Iredale
2/8/2014 09:48:41 pm
I just want to send you love. I know I don't know you, but like you I have been touched by addiction. So thank you for writing this, and you are wise and strong.
Been there
2/8/2014 10:09:05 pm
Thank you. This needed to be said. I struggled with addiction for years. I was the lucky one. I was incarcerated. My husband died a death similar to your father's. My heart goes out to you, for I have a daughter that has gone through this too.
Connie Anstaett
2/8/2014 10:42:51 pm
Kelsey, My name is Connie and I am a 40 year old mother of a 14 year old boy and 9 year old girl from Cincinnati, Ohio. I have worked as a paralegal for 15 years. I have 5 brothers and sisters and wonderful parents (both a mom and a step dad and a dad and a step mom, lol). I am also a recovering heroin addict. I originally put that statement first, but I think that would have been in complete disregard of what your beautifully written blog told me about. Because I am all those other things first and foremost. I have been clean for 6 years, 6 months and 25 days now. I am STILL trying to recover, restore, and repair the wreckage I caused in my years of using. I have come a long, long way, but have a long, long way to go, as well. Thank you for writing this and I hope it was somewhat therapeutic for you. If you haven't heard of or been to ALANON, you may want to look into it. It's a support group for family and friends of addicts and alcoholics. It has greatly helped my Mother through her struggle of watching her youngest daughter go through this awful disease. In fact, she still goes weekly to meetings even now. Addiction IS a disease - it only leads to one of three places - jails, institutions or death. I wish you continued "recovery" in coping with your Father's addiction and subsequent passing. I will leave you with one quote that is hard to abide by, but really does work if you can let it. When life or the perils of life get you down and you find yourself in a swirl of worry....."Let Go and Let God."
kay
2/8/2014 11:03:21 pm
I do care. Loss is horrible, no matter the cause of death. Thank you for sharing. Unless one it touched directly by addiction, I believe, s/he has no clue of the extent of damage done to lives daily. Having the knowledge that your Dad kept memories of you and your siblings close to his head and heart is comforting. Prayers for you and yours.
Jackie
2/9/2014 12:30:26 am
Wishing you peace,thanks for sharing your story and reminding us that behind every addict is someone wanting to be loved.
M.E.
2/9/2014 02:05:30 am
Addiction is not a choice. Itsxa terrible cancer taking our youth. It took my son.
Diane
2/9/2014 02:06:10 am
Addictions come in MANY forms, and the addict learns quickly how to cover it up, explain it away, or even justify it...I'm NOT putting them down, I do it! When the addiction is something like street drugs it is often viewed as horrible, when the addiction is something more subtle it is nearly impossible to pick up on it. Why are people addicts, believe me, it is NOT by choice! Have you ever done something and someone asks, "Why'd you do that?" or "What were you thinking?". You can probably give a rational, clear, sensible answer. An Addict will attempt to do that, but deep down they feel that they had no choice, they could not help it. Is that a cop-out, No, it is their reality. If we could will ourselves to stop, we wouldn't be addicts. And there is no common thread, reason or cause that "makes" someone an addict, so it is very difficult to see it coming. My heart goes out to those that have to "deal" with us! But my heart is also pained for "us".
p
2/9/2014 04:00:00 am
as a "recreational" user all my life until now I always have held a contempt for the "weak" who couldn't handle their partying. reading these blog entries I feel ashamed of my ignorance and subsequent stupidity. thank you for opening my mind. i will endeavor to show support for those struggling with whatever addiction they may suffer from. my prayers to those suffering and the friends and family who continue to stand by them and try to get them through one more day.
stormin norman
2/9/2014 04:35:42 am
thank you for sharing, God speed
Melissa Costello
2/9/2014 04:50:04 am
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful letter. I lost my mother to a long battle with addiction 3 years ago and your words are truly touching.
caroke
2/9/2014 05:10:22 am
You are a brave an strong woman your dad would an is proud of you I know we're your coming from
Amy
2/9/2014 09:39:38 am
Beautiful. Your father obviously was a great dad as he raised you to be lovely, eloquent and grateful. 2/9/2014 09:42:46 am
Thank you so much for sharing. I too am startled by the hate and no respect for his family and what they must be going through. I too am the daughter of 2 addicts, and being around that was hard enough without persecution by strangers.
Kelsey Westbrook
2/9/2014 10:10:05 am
Jay, you're more than welcome. Kelly, Thank you for sharing your experience along with your feelings. On February 16 the I will be 4 years sober. I did this with the help of Aa. What has bothered me is the uneducated comments about "choice". I did not choose to be an alcoholic who wants more of everything. I have an affliction that speaks to me and if I'm not vigilent in my recovery it tells me to drink, isolate you are not worth it. I spoke at a meeting today about this very thing. Us addicts don't choose to hurt out family , ruin our careers and all to often die alone. I feel for you and your family. Maybe just maybe both your Dad and Phillip Thomas Seymour did not die in vane. The legacy they left behind may be that this thing I have can grab anyone.
Lauren S.
2/9/2014 11:07:52 am
Thank you so much for posting this. As the daughter and sister of two addicts/alcoholics, this was a perfect expression of how I feel each day, and it brought me to tears. You are not alone, and it's good to know that I'm not either.
Friend
2/9/2014 12:26:32 pm
Thank-you for summarizing exactly how I feel about addiction. When my brother died on October 2013 of an overdose, I learned exactly how people feel about addiction. I mean we had an outpouring of people who supported us and said how sorry they were for our loss, but behind closed doors they were saying things like "they knew this was coming." After he died, I tried to not tell people how I died. Then one day, I decided that I shouldn't have to lie about the way he died. It was an addiction. He died because of his disease and the awful decision he made after being clean for 8 months. Part of the reason addiction is so successful is because it is kept a secret. People should know the horrors of dealing with an addict and the even worse horrors of being an addict. During our several stints in rehab, detox, jail, and courts with my brother, no one helped or offered a kind word. When he died, we couldn't believe how many people came forward. If only more people understood the nature of addiction. I pose articles all the time hoping that people will read them and realize that they're assumptions, judgements, and beliefs about addiction are usually very wrong. Sorry for your loss. What I always say is that my brother was a good person, but he was an addict. It is very possible to be both.
Kat
2/10/2014 02:32:56 am
People need to step up and step in before someone dies from addiction,....it's so easy just watch this slithery sickening monster slowly take someone out,... And that's for good, goodnight, all done, see you on the flip side,.....but where does it leave the family and chidren that mourn for years ? Yes yes yes, you are important to those yoio love,...try not to hurt yourself...kat
Katie
2/9/2014 01:45:07 pm
My daughter is a heroin addict , mother of 2 with no desire to quit! no matter what we try she continues to use. her children live with me because of her addiction but she does nit care, she only cstes about getting her next fix. its sad Thank you for printing this letter. I work in the field of addiction and had some personal experience with addiction. When reading the comments left by FB readers on the death of Mr. Hoffman I found many to be very harsh and judgmental. Some began with condolences and ended with "how sad he for his family he died this way". My response to a couple of them, was if the victim had died from any other medical problem or accident condolence is all that would appear. I was met with more unkind and hurtful comments. I hope that one day we can find compassion for our fellow man and support one another in our most darkest hour. Blessings to you.
shannon
2/9/2014 07:10:38 pm
I just want to thank you for sharing this. I grew up with 2 addict parents and a brother that struggled with addiction and still continues to struggle. I appreciate this letter you posted, it hit home. Keep your head up, I'm sure your dad is still with you and is still proud of you.
Kat
2/10/2014 02:12:54 am
My Dearheart,
Leslie
2/10/2014 03:09:30 am
Thank you Kelsey, your article brought me to tears. The death of an addict is a loss of the hope you already thought was gone, that the person you lost to the needle or the bottle might someday return. My ex-husband died almost two years ago from his addiction. I finally divorced him because of it, to save myself. He switched around between many drugs including heroin, alcohol, methamphetamine, and prescription drugs. He died alone, in an apartment I never saw, found by a window cleaner in his apartment complex. I found out a year later, when I received a letter from an insurance company naming me as beneficiary of a $500 life insurance policy. He had been texting me up until 10 days before he was found. When it stopped abruptly, I steeled myself for the news he was dead but heard nothing for a long time. I let him text only, no calls, no getting together. It felt generous to allow even that after what I'd been through. But, looking back at our text conversation, I wish I'd been kinder. Some of his texts were drunken rants but most were expressions of his fear, loneliness, and longing for the life he once had. He was clinging to me like a life raft even though I rarely responded and when I did it was emotionally neutral. I was walking a fine line, allowing that slim connection without offering more. But, like your father, he was once a successful, smart, larger than life, generous, loving man. His only son, my beautiful, tormented step-son, shot himself to death under the influence almost 10 years ago. My ex-husband never forgave himself for that.
kg
2/10/2014 05:26:52 am
Your father loved you and I am so happy that you knew that. My father molested me for years and I honestly look forward to spitting on his dead body one day. :-(
calmo
2/10/2014 09:20:23 am
If there were just a very dependable way of convincing people to NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER try addictive drugs for the first time. .
Stephanie
2/10/2014 11:28:11 am
Wow! I feel like I wrote this article myself. My dad died on August 31, 2013 at the age of 53. He was an alcoholic. From you speaking of him dying in his apartment, your brother cleaning out the apartment, the pictures of his kids everywhere..it's just crazy how similar we are. I would love to talk to you sometime!
Kelsey,
Kerry
2/10/2014 04:10:24 pm
THANK YOU for writing this. I feel as if I was reading my own story. 25 year old daughter of an addict, parents seperated, two brothers by your side. I couldn't have stumbled upon this letter at a better time. It will be two months on Feb. 13 since I lost my father. An addict for many many years, lost the battle. Words cannot describe what we, the families, go through everyday. I truly am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. Our dads are finally at peace. I just hope someday their can be peace for the rest of us now.
Denny
2/10/2014 10:16:15 pm
This is a very touching story i am an Heroin adddict and it means alot to hear you talk about people who have this desease the way you do most people are quick to judge and stereotype people that have addiction problems by labeling them junkies or wasted space.. and thats not true if people would walk a day in our shoes and see just how difficult life is when you have this desease they would see that it becomes more than a bad choice by a bad person you cant function wiithout this poison once your addicted and it gets to were you do it just to beable to function trust me i wish every single day that i could just walk away and say im never gonna do it again but its just not that easy and people need to realize this if they would extend a helping hand and see that were not monsters and were not bad people maybe just maybe the success rate of people getting clean would be a little higher. its a struggle everyday and until people start seeing this as a disease and not as us just being "JUNKIES" who choose this then i feel its not going to get any better.. im sorry for your loss your father definantly sounds like he was a great man and im glad you remember the good times with him and dont think of him any less in his bad times... your one of the few non addicts that get it i just wish more in this world were like YOU! Thank you for your beautiful insight. I know the struggles of addiction. Today I'm 51 and have 6 years of sobriety. I am grateful for the simple things in life. I too have three children, Ryan, Alex and Sophie. I try everyday to make living amends. I don't always succeed, however clean and sober is a much better way of life. Thank you for sharing, and you will be with me everyday in my prayers. Let go and let GOD.
Andrea B.
2/11/2014 02:47:46 am
I lost my beautiful young niece to a heroin overdose. I struggled and overcame my own addictions to other substances in the late 1980's. I could never truly appreciate the grasp the powerful addictive qualities heroin has, until it took her. She shined light and love everywhere she went. But she also struggled to rid her self of the addiction. She tried, but the grip was too deep. She lost custody of her two babies because of it. Then she lost the ultimate fight in October, 2008. Did she make some bad decisions? Yes. Is anyone immune to making bad choices? I don't think so. Some choices have worse consequences than others, but we often don't see that until it's too late. There, but for the Grace of God, go I.
dana
2/11/2014 03:11:05 am
Thank you for us addicts not look so evil. We are kind people, not all of us are strong enough to fight thedemons. God bless.
John M
2/11/2014 05:05:50 am
I am eight years clean and sober, and by rights I should be dead myself, but by Gods mercy and grace he has seen me thru. I'm so sorry about your dads death. You are so honoring him by sharing this testimony.
Lu
2/11/2014 11:52:28 am
Thanks for sharing It came at a good time for me. I was just seriously thinking of writing something similar like this regarding my daughter's struggle with heroin addiction. It's very sad.and it hurts to feel so hopeless when tou have to standby and know there's nothing you can do.
Jesse
2/11/2014 01:05:05 pm
Thank you. Reminds me a lot if my life. My after passed in a similar way at tr age if 57. Reading this well written story really touched home. It has been 7 years now since his passing. It's a crazy life. I love my father for all that he as tought me and how proud he was of me told me he loved me
Barbara Migliore
2/11/2014 08:01:26 pm
Powerful ...my son died 5 years ago at 33 after 15 years of suffering with heroin addiction...he would have loved to go back and wipe out that first choice to use it....
Jill
2/11/2014 08:44:16 pm
i understand what it's like to be raised in a household with an addict for a parent... i watched as life passed my dad by... and sadly now he's gone, and i think of all the things he missed, and all the things he will... it's an awful disease, no matter what the addiction is... my father was an addict of many drugs... but he was also the most kind, gentle, and generous soul i've ever met... my heart goes out to you... and everyone else suffering in the throes of this disease <3
Alice
2/11/2014 09:58:27 pm
Thank-you for sharing your story, making aware that addiction is a disease. Remember all the love you shared as a loving family, and never let anyone diminish that.
Denise
2/12/2014 12:10:36 am
You are so brave for writing this and posting it. Thank you! It is a wonderful tribute and with you dad finally at peace, I'm sure his soul is proud. 2/12/2014 12:57:24 am
Powerful and generous. Simply beautiful. I'm the mother of an addict. I am so very sorry for your loss. You knew the man that was hidden by addiction. What a beautiful tribute. You gave the complete picture of a man enslaved by addiction.
Bonnie
2/12/2014 04:23:34 am
Thank you for sharing your story so sorry for your loss If you were on stage and had read that aloud to us, your audience, I would be giving you a standing ovation with loud thunderous applause. That was so beautiful, so true, and so tragic. Yes, each addict that walks this earth or has left this earth was/is somebody to someone. They do matter. They do. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so grateful that you found the courage to share your broken heart here.
Katherine
2/12/2014 10:42:20 am
Thank you for writing this. I lost my mother to an overdose in 2006, at the age of 24. I had to tell my 18 year old brother the awful news. I share your feelings about how some view addiction as something that is a joke, or as if they deserved to die because they should "know better". I even had my mother's own sister once call her life a "waste". And despite my response to her ignorant comment she defended her stance. If it wasn't for my mother, her three children never would've been born, nor her five grandchildren (two of which she will never meet, including my own little miracle three month old daughter). How a life that is responsible for eight more lives coming into this World could ever be thought of as a "waste" simply because of how she passed, is beyond my comprehension.
Wayne
2/12/2014 11:17:17 pm
Bullshit. Sorry. First I am very sorry for your loss and it does warm me to see this extreme sympathetic side to the addiction VICTIM. My parents and siblings suffer from addiction and I have the same gene. I have 3 beautiful kids a loving wife and a great home and great career and I crave the use of illegal drugs every day. But I CHOOSE not to. I FIGHT not to. This article could be written about my father in the same words. He is 52 and still alive but I cant imagine he will be much longer. I have tried everything imaginable to get him to stop. He never will. I've given up on him and I don't think I should feel bad about that because he gave up on everyone long ago. What I read from this article is excusing away the behavior and choices (albeit tough choices via the disease). So here is an 'open comment' directed to the addicts that are reading this: You have a disease (many people suffer from all sorts of diseases and fight through them for the sake of their families/friends). You have 2 choices: one is easy and will cause everyone you love great pain. One is hard and is what is needed to do if your family is worth it. My family wasn't worth it for my father to FIGHT. Simple fact. Hard for me to admit but it is the hard truth. So fuck him and fuck all addicts who choose to put their families through the pain and suffering that they couldn't deal with themselves. Again, I am sorry for the harsh words but it is my opinion from a fellow addict and fellow addiction victim.
Kyle
2/13/2014 06:09:38 am
Same thing with me. I'm sure I have a gene if there is one for addiction. But I fight every day. I fight. And my siblings (well, 3/5) have given in.
me
2/13/2014 03:15:59 am
I agree and disagree I come from a family scared by addiction and I do agree when you are an addict it consumes you and take over but it is your choice to do it to begin with. My grandfather and mother are alcoholics I have had issues in my younger years with binge drinking but never allowed it to consume me. My brother has over dosed on heroin twice and had to be resuscitated and is currently serving time in prison for felony possession of heroin and along with several of his "friends" tested positive for hepatitis . Everyone of my brothers highschool friends are addicts or in recovery and most started by illegal use of oxys it is a sad and terrible road to go down. I do not feel pity for an addict because my thought is you know you have addictive traits you know the drug is highly addictive don't do the shit plain and simple I don't and would never. I have like I said and a splurge from about the age of 16-22 had issues with binge drinking (which I live in Wisconsin so is a very common and large problem here) but rarely drink now and can have one drink and walk away without a another thought. It is about knowing yourself and using your head and saying no and walking away. I am sorry for your loss and know it is a long painful struggle that effects everyone around them.
Vicki Reznikoff
2/13/2014 03:32:13 am
You are a courageous woman to write with such candor, insight and compassion into your father's death. I hope that many many people take the time to read your words about the human being that was your funny, kind, loving dad. I'm so sorry that you and your family saw his tragic demise. Until this country understands that addicts are ill and need help, not judgment and derision, I'm afraid that many others will continue to face the same untimely death as your dad and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Wishing you happiness, health and peace. 2/13/2014 05:26:03 am
Thank you for sharing that. This is very courageous of you to write and to share. Hopefully this will empower those to quit, life is to short and within a moment life is gone. 2/13/2014 10:43:40 am
Your story really touched me. My dad was an alcoholic who died at age 56 (I'm 57 now). Even though I can tell stories about things that he did while drinking, I have always said he was a wonderful dad, who loved us with all his heart, and I couldn't have picked a better one. He was kind, funny, sincere, and would do anything for anybody. Out of all our relatives, there are 12 people named after him (Ray). That tells you that he was loved by all who knew him. Thank you for your story. It really touched me.
Kimberly Phillips
2/14/2014 02:53:07 am
Thank you for your story, my husband is almost 4 years clean and it was hard before he was clean and still hard to this day. Anyone know of a facebook group for addicts and their families/loved ones..for support/discussion?
Alyssa Anderson
2/14/2014 03:20:20 am
I just wanted to let you know how much this article touched my sister and I. I've literally read it at least ten times. We also had a father with a very serious alcohol addiction and we unfortunately lost him a few years back. I prefer to remember him as the man he was before the addiction took over his life. A wonderful, caring, funny, intelligent man who would give a stranger on the street the shirt off his back. Much like your father he always took the opportunity to brag about how proud of us he was. You seem like a very strong and intelligent woman. I don't know if you will read all of these comments but if you do, you should know that you are a talented and beautiful writer. I'm sure your father is very proud of you and watching over you with a smile on his face.
JLB
2/14/2014 12:45:49 pm
I do not believe addiction starts out as a choice. From that first drink or drug we do not know that some of us are choosing to be addicts. We may not necessarily know for years that we are addicts. By then it is usually too late for most of us. Maybe we are choosing to continue to pick up (I can see how some people might believe this). However, as addicts we do not have the tools to live life on life's terms or at least the thousands of addicts I know do not. Thus when we are faced with living life on life's terms maybe we do choose to pick up but for the addicts I know this is because we know no other way to "live" or "deal with life". So yes. maybe once we are using addicts we are choosing this because we know no other way. Trust me, the addicts I know would not want to be sitting in a dark room, alone, with a needle stuck in their arm or another body part, when they could be spending quality time with the people they love and care about. But at the same time, those addicts don't necessarily want to choose one addiction over another, such as running, if they weren't given the tools to live (this is what the rooms of recovery do for those of us that need it). Also, let me qualify myself, just in case anyone does not think I know what addiction is about for many. I am a recovering addict. I started out with a drink around the age of 8 (so I really don't think I chose to be an addict because how many eight year olds can make such a life-altering choice). I then progressed to pills that were given to me by family members, such as Darvon to treat the migraines I was getting starting getting around that same time and thereafter. After that other drugs came into the picture and I finally wound up shooting heroin for about 8 months before I wound up in rehab at 23. I spent Christmas, my 24th birthday, and New Year's Eve there. I stayed clean and sober for almost 21 years before I did finally and most definitely make a choice to relapse on the pain medication I had been prescribed and using correctly for approximately 7 years. This time I do say I made a choice here because I could have picked up the phone and called my sponsor or another member of the rooms that I knew. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have called the hotline for one of those meetings and talked to someone who knew what I was going through. I could have told my husband, who is also a recovering addict. I could have done a lot of things, but the one thing I couldn't have done was pray because I was mad at God. But if I hadn't gotten mad at God I would never have been faced with that choice in the first place. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states that the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink and that that defense must come from a Higher Power. I am not here trying to push God down anyone's throats. I am just sharing what happened for me. I have only a few months of being clean and sober at this time. I am fighting for my life. Believe me I was one of those people who did not want to hear that I needed a Higher Power in my life if I was going to be able to stay clean and sober. I cannot take up running as some people have talked about. I suffer from chronic pain syndrome and have herniated disks in my back and my neck. Working is difficult for me - standing, walking, lifting, or sitting for long periods causes me pain. When I relapsed I got arrested and was facing 10 years in prison. I trusted in the Higher Power I had found in my sobriety and luckily I got only a PBJ(Probation Before Judgement for those that don't know) with one year supervised probation. I had never been in trouble before and the whole process of getting arrested and losing my job was enough of a wake up call for me. For those with relatives struggling with addiction, whether or not you believe it is a disease, know that we don't want to be that way. We are suffering from dis-ease if nothing else and we do not want to cause you pain (or at least most of us don't). We struggle every day with the pain we are causing you and the shame that we feel and this may cause us to use even more. To those that have lost family members to addiction, I am truly sorry for your losses but know that there's nothing you could necessarily do except tough love (remember the love part) that will help us reach our bottoms - jail, institutions or death (unfortunately some just don't make it). Hopefully those you love will reach the first two and gain sobriety!! God willing, one day at a time, and they too can trudge the Road of Happy Destiny!
patricia trevino
2/15/2014 12:24:03 am
struggle with addiction with my daughter for 11 years noww ! and she has a son that is 5 years old the disease affecting his life so much! this is a family disease ! I have been in the program for 11 year it helps me so much not to feel alone one understands only the people that have with the disease!my heart is with everyone of you this going through this!god be with youthank you for the letter!! bless you
sandy
2/15/2014 07:50:28 am
Thank you for sharing you life and struggles with us. I lost my 22year old son November 25,2013 to a drug overdose. I would give anything to have him home with me. I miss him so much It was a long hard battle with this drug but I go threw this battle all over again to just have him home. He has a twin sister and now part of her is missing. I hate drugs and prayer they and dealers just all move away. To many are takempn by this demon it doesn't care if your young or old rich or poor black or white. It will kill you and your family. Please get help and stop. Many will stand behind you with open arms. I will help anyone anytime. I don't want another mother to feel this broken heart pain.
MKB
2/15/2014 02:17:56 pm
But for the Grace of God, I just celebrated 29 years of continuous sobriety.
gina
2/16/2014 04:11:38 am
I hope that you'll find that your loving memories are the truth for you. Thank you for your bravery. My father was 55 when he took his life, powerless over his addiction to drugs and alcohol.I was also compelled to write of my family's story after reading about PSH's death. You can find it here:http://www.64broadstreet.com/1/post/2014/02/love-anger-and-philip-seymour-hoffman.html
SS
2/16/2014 12:23:34 pm
Addiction has been a problem in my family as well. My grandfather died of aids from the sharing of needles. My father grew up in the household where both of his parents would be shooting up and snorting lines while he was a toddler watching them. My father was in the car once with his younger brother and my grandmother when she was doing a drug deal and the dealer jumped into the car and raped her with her two toddlers in the back seat. It is something my father and uncle deal with every day. Fortunately my dad didn't chose drugs and has never done them do to what he seen growing up but my uncle is a recovering heroin addict. In and out of jail, passing out while driving, and dealing daily with his addiction. Also my cousin is 27 and is in jail now for robbing a store to get money for his heroin addiction. He lived with me and stole all of my families jewelry, my grandma's wedding ring from my grandfather, we would find used needles behind my couch as well. He over dosed and died three times in the ambulance before they saved his life. My whole family gave up on him but I feel as if I am the only one who hasn't. How can i be there for him when he gets out of jail? He won't listen too me but I cant loose another family member to the terrible addiction.
jakki2021
2/16/2014 10:29:06 pm
My heart certainly goes out on the passing of your father. As someone who has been involved with 3 addicts (2 husbands and my fiance'), the most recent one murdered and heinously dismembered chasing that addiction over labor day 2013, I have to say, it is no ones place to judge another's path. That being said, addicts are not "powerless" over their addiction. This mindset of being powerless to change self victimization is completely absurd. It perpetuates addicts into a state that negates personal power, and absolves them of culpability for their decisions. Addiction continues to be choice and only personal resolve and willpower are the cure. We as Americans are always looking for the quick fix. I know first hand, that each addict is only one right decision away from changing their lives. These circumstances provide opportunities for growth but as long as the mentality is powerlessness addicts will continue to deny the true source of their freedom from addiction. It has always been within them! Sadly many continue to choose to escape from reality and deny their personal power.
Tara
2/16/2014 11:30:22 pm
Kelsey, thank you so much for reaching out. My father is an addict and we don't speak anymore, but I treasure the great memories I have with him before addiction took him over.
clare
9/3/2014 06:00:36 pm
Tara, you wrote exactly what I was going to write. I first read the open letter and then, now reading the comments to try and understand something so painful.
Kelsey,
Justine
2/18/2014 02:11:13 am
I have no words to say in response to this except that, even though you are a stranger to me, I would give you a hug if I could. Thank you for sharing your story. Best wishes to you and your family.
Sherry Ivey
2/18/2014 04:06:08 am
My son struggles with heroin addiction. No one understands if they have not "walked in our shoes". I appreciate how you told the story of your father and how we are unable to relate if we have not "walked in his shoes". You are so right and I don't know that I've totally looked at it that way. I see three different sides- the hurt and pain of my son, the hurt that I go through seeing him that way (he's clean now), and the side of the law (I work for a police department). I want all people to wake up and see that those struggling with addiction are people who are loved. They need help, not criticism. The families in pain need love and understanding. God love you honey for all you've been through. I guarantee your daddy knows you love him. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless
Mama Dee Delio
2/19/2014 02:07:33 am
Dearest Kelsey, Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful father with us. Father in heaven in Jesus name I ask that Your Holy Spirit Comfort Kelsey with a lifetime of ever deepening memories of laughter, love and guidance from her beloved Dad. Love to all, Mama Dee
Marie
2/22/2014 03:28:49 am
Kelsey, Thank you for your profound words and my deepest sympathy over the loss of your father. He would be proud of your beautifully written words. Compassion over Judgement always.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I to have more then one family member dealing with addiction. When he started I thought it my fault but after going to counseling I realized it was not me. My heart goes is hearting for you but from what you wrote its obvious you did nothing to cause this and nothing to be embarrassed about. I truly believe that there are so many families by this kind of disease but want the outside world to think all is perfect.
shawn
2/24/2014 03:29:11 am
Wow...tears in my eyes reading this! I am a recovering addict with a 10yr old daughter. I am so sorry for your loss. Life is a precious gift which I took for granted for sooo long. Still having struggles bit will not give up. This was such a beautiful read and I am so glad I took the time to read it. So many people do not realize the beast inside takes over and that python you spoke about becomes so powerful. God Bless you and your family and may your dad rest in peace.
melissa c
2/25/2014 03:56:20 am
I just came across this today. I must say first that i am sorry for your loss Kelsey. I've been clean for 11 years now and you touched on many things that someone who isn't an addict seems to understand from outside of this world of ours. Others have touched on facts such as being treated, well, basically like we're somehow worth less than another person if we go to the ER FOR A VALID REASON!!!! I've said to a Doctor, "do you treat all your patients like this or just the ones who have actually been honest about their recovery AND would you want to be treated this way?". Honestly, their attitude changed. But, it isn't always like that and I could go on and on about the negative side of this and I'm talking about being CLEAN ( please, to anyone who is using and reads this, do not think you shouldn't get help just because as addicts and recovering addicts we still get treated a certain way, trust me, IT'S WORTH IT) but, I can say this. I had a day, one day sitting on the back porch at my mums' and I realized for the first time in a while that I wasn't numb. I was enjoying the beautiful spring day. the colors were so vivid and the wind gently caressed me. I will forever cherish that moment and what it means to me.
A Mother who can relate
2/25/2014 06:56:06 am
Kelsy, I can truly relate to your situation. i lost my son to this nasty addition 2 years ago. He was found in a hotel room in another state, in the same state as your father. I too always thought it was mind over matter, just put your mind to it, if you want to be clean, fight to stay clean. He did many times, and eventually lost his battles every time. Due to his addictions, he also lost his family.
Jackie
2/27/2014 07:41:52 am
Kelsy, . . . God Love You!!!
Richard Love
3/4/2014 08:58:58 am
as a man who suffers from addiction this truly reminds me that its a family disease
Oscar Olmeda
3/4/2014 11:20:22 pm
Kelsy,
Elissa
3/5/2014 12:05:54 pm
I also never say my sweet baby brother he was so loved and so smart and was the one who could seel ice to an Eskimo. I miss him every day and it has been 21 years since he overdosed on heroin.
Ashley
3/6/2014 02:55:26 am
Kelsey, thank you for writing your story and sharing it with the world. I first came across your blog on February 11th and had tears streaming down my face comparing your father's story with my mother's - she had been battling addiction for years and had lost her home, her friends, her family. On February 14th, her addiction took her life. I could only think of you and your story throughout the entire week that followed. I, too, had the unbearable responsibility of telling all of my family members of her death and had to overcome the embarrassment of coworkers and friends finding out the truth about what happened. Your story has kept me strong knowing that I'm not alone and that my mother was once also a strong woman. I only hope your story and the countless other stories people have shared can help even one person overcome this terrible disease. Stay strong, xo.
Bridget
3/10/2014 09:35:08 am
Kelsey,
Vee
3/11/2014 02:51:37 am
Beautiful. I lot my 20 year old son four years ago to a heroin overdose. He too was also found with his belt still tied around his around, needle in his arm and slumped over dead in his chair. I found out about PHS death on facebook the day it happened, and also saw the same "Candlelight Vigil" picture with the spoon on Facebook, I saw it on my boyfriends newphews wall!! He didnt know my son, but he knows me well and knows how deeply my sons death affected me, and how active I am in the battle against Heroin. I simply left a brief comment under the pic for him. All I wrote was "Dude..." He seemed to have gotten the hint and the pic was down within minutes. You are so correct in saying that if you havent lived it, people just dont understand. Im so very sorry for your loss....
timothy
3/29/2014 08:09:20 am
Somehow I found your letter I don't know you for I live I n florida and im 52 I have done drugs from the age of 14 never been arrested or rehab .I have lost friends to H and blues and meth I beleave they came to bgrip that there is only one way to beat the demons.your loved ones did not leave by overdose or sue aside I believe it was finely the rite does and all there prayer's where answered god provided them all a ticket home .I can assure you that it wasn't the biggest hit they ever toke only to wake up still here ... any way not sure where this was going I to seek no pity I have no kids and no longer any one close ..keep up your efforts and perhaps one day we can find hope besides ( there is no cure/ you will always be and be seen as a drug addict-looser/its not a matter of if it when)so for now we only have one way say im sorry to those who once loved and depended on us god bless
Rockeal
4/22/2014 11:48:56 pm
I know this story all to well my Daddy died the same way on November 8,2006... Thank you for this..
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6/8/2014 03:29:00 pm
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